Weighing our worth

You know, I'm a bit of a "Pinterest"-a-holic these days. If you haven't requested access yet, and enjoy neat visuals and thought provoking posts about everything from DIY projects to recipes to fashion and social issues, I'd highly recommend it! It's due, in large part, to some of the posts I've been following there that I've been giving weight, obesity and self worth a lot of thought lately. In particular, I've been following the pins of a fat acceptance activist and her views on fat bias and negative self images in society. I thought that I was immune to all of that now, given that I'm considerably lighter, and feeling pretty good about my overall health. Turns out I was wrong. 

It started with my regular digital bathroom scale. I check my weight at least once a week to make sure I'm still on track with maintaining weight loss. That's not to say I haven't experienced mild "rebound" weight gain - in fact, the gastric bypass surgery team had warned me that after the first 2 years, I could expect to regain anywhere from 10-20% of the weight I lost as my body adjusted and settled. They were right, much to my chagrin, and I've been a bit disgruntled with my bathroom scale ever since. Nonetheless, I've come to accept my body's limitations, and the natural set point that I've settled at with the comforting thought that I have the rest of my life to keep moving and caring for my health.

So about a week ago, my bathroom scale started showing a lower weight than what I've been seeing for the past few months. A pound here, a couple there, by the end of the week I was feeling fantastic! I even noticed that I was dressing differently for work - more high heels (instead of ballet flats or sandals), dresses instead of slacks, and red lipstick a few days, because I was feeling frisky. The effect it had on me was pretty remarkable, really, given that I've lost a lot of weight to this point, and by rights, I should feel great EVERY day. I guess I'm not so immune to what that little number says on the scale.

Then, this week, I stepped on the scale and it dropped dramatically...by about 100 lbs, lol. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...Tapeworm? Accidentally misplaced a limb? Nope. Worse. Low battery.*SIGH!* I checked my weight at the pharmacy that evening and confirmed that my hard won "weight loss" was for not.

After my anger and disappointment subsided, I got a chance to really digest how a simple little thing like a number on a scale could influence everything from my mood and wardrobe choices to, really, my self worth. And I was horrified. Really, after everything that I've been through, I'd like to give myself more credit to see myself as a person and not a number, but it looks like I haven't escaped that element of self loathing yet. Oh, so much more to learn!

What's even scarier is that we, as women, pass these unreasonable standards on to girls. It's easy to find evidence of it - how often do you see or read about 10 year old girls on a diet because they think they're "fat"? It's no wonder, they see it everywhere.

I'm not saying I have any answers here. I just want to point it out. We need to stop focusing on the numbers, ladies, and start focusing on our lives - our glorious, healthy, joy-filled and content lives where we are surrounded by loved ones and more than the sum of our parts or the number on a scale. We're exactly what we need to be, when we need to be it. And no number can ever change that.

Of trees and forests...

Ever heard the phrase, “You can’t see the forest for the trees”? I often refer to it when talking about seeing the “big picture” versus little problems that plague us and make us reluctant to tackle big projects. Today I got a taste of the other side of that euphemism. I was chatting with a girlfriend at work about a nice belted jacket I was wearing (as close friends know, I’m a bit of a clothes hound). She was amazed that I bought it at a newly discovered consignment shop a few blocks away, and had only paid $8 for it. Her comment was that she’d pay $8 for the belt alone, let alone the jacket (For the record, it’s a cute jacket! Military style with zippers and pockets, great chocolate brown cotton with intricate seaming…you get the drift.). It made me think about all of the little things that I miss on a day-to-day basis while looking at the big picture. I mean, if I didn’t even notice that the belt was a thing of beauty unto itself, what else have I been missing?

I started thinking about my current goals for my weight, health and life and realized that I was completely short-changing myself. I often write monthly goals to stay on track with my WLS-related health issues, including weight loss, exercise and such. But I tend to get bogged down in the details. Yeah, my stomach is looking good, but my thighs are still lumpy and I need to work on that. My butt may look nice in jeans, but it’s still a size too large for my liking – better hit the treadmill hard this month. And the big one, always, is that I haven’t hit my “goal” weight yet (2.5 years post-op), a thought that completely discounts the fact that I’m still 100 lbs lighter than I was 3 years ago. How in the world do I miss trees like that?

I think the lesson that I’m taking from this realization is to savour the small victories. We are so hard on ourselves most of the time that we don’t pay proper homage to all that we’ve accomplished, or truly appreciate how much we’ve grown over the past months and years. Think about your own life – what have you accomplished in the last 12 months that you’re proud of? Make a list – I do! I write down things I’m grateful for at the end of each day…my gratitude journal keeps me sane. But what I’m saying now is, don’t just write it down and forget about it. Feel pride in your progress, let it raise your feelings of self worth, and recognize that it’s just the beginning. You really can do anything you set your mind to if you believe in yourself. And for heaven’s sake, don’t get lost in the forest if you’re just looking to appreciate the trees.

The real skinny on my plastic surgery

Well, I made it. It’s been almost three months since my surgery date and I’m starting feel like my old-new self again. I say old-new, because I’m still me, but I feel better – improved, if you will. Some days I still can’t believe that I had the nerve to go through with two life-altering surgeries, but I am forever thankful I found enough of it to not back out.

To catch you up to speed, on November 4th I underwent a 6-hour trio of surgeries – a breast reduction, brachioplasty on both arms and an abdominalplasty (otherwise known as a tummy tuck). God, even when I type that now, I feel like a “Real Housewife of Waterloo Region.” Isn’t it sad that such a connotation exists? For those of you unaware, in 2009, I had RNY gastric bypass surgery and lost about 120 lbs. It left me with loosey-goosey skin pretty much everywhere, and breasts that I affectionately referred to as size 38-LONG. After dealing with rashes and backaches and ill-fitting clothes for almost two years, I was ready for a change.

So, the surgery. I was very nervous, I admit. I was a basket case the night before while my fiancé and I drove in to Scarborough to stay overnight at a hotel, since we had to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. Pre-op was harrowing the next morning – registration, IV set up, getting into the one-size-fits-most gown for surgery and sitting in a room with another 25 patients, waiting for my gurney-taxi was almost my undoing. But I made it. Then I met my team of nurses, the anaesthesiologist, and my surgeon again in the operation room. Perhaps the most unnerving thing came next – the surgeon literally used a Sharpie marker and drew all over me! He marked off where he would make incisions, how much skin he would remove, even where my newly located nipples would go! Then, I stretched out on the table, breathed in the glorious gas, and slept.

I woke up feeling like a mummy. My arms, stomach and breasts were taped and bandaged to within an inch of my life and I had trouble moving. In particular, sitting up on my own was impossible, both because of the wrappings and because of the 30-odd internal stitches that were holding my stomach muscles in place just under the skin. It took nearly 3 weeks to be able to sit up on my own, with no assistance. I was also surprisingly swollen, both at the incision sites and all over – IV fluids coupled with anaesthesia and pain killers tend to do that to me.

I only had to stay one night in the hospital, thank heavens. I was sent home the next morning at 10 a.m., with a purse full of Percocet and Tylenol 3.

I have to compliment my talented surgeon, Dr. Michael Kreidstein of Toronto. He’s known as an expert in post-weight loss surgery skin removal and body contouring, and he really delivered. He was very upfront and truthful from my first consultation, warning me that the skin may be gone, but he would be leaving scars in its place. That never mattered to me. I felt very constrained in my old, floppy skin and I would have taken a thousand scars over pounds of excess dermis any day!

Kreidstein was also much attuned to my needs as an out-of-town patient. Kitchener is about an hour and a half from the hospital where I had surgery, and so is his office, so to cut down on frequent trips in to see him during my recovery, the doctor arranged for an at-home health care nurse to visit me and change my bandages. And because he requested the service, it was covered by OHIP. Score. It made me feel much better to know that a professional would be checking in on me.

I also have to shout out to my wonderful sister, who stayed with me throughout my 6-week recovery and acted as my own personal Florence Nightingale. She changed bandages, made meals, kept me in clean towels and nighties, provided a library of must-read books and lectured me on staying in bed when appropriate. In the early weeks, she also acted as my bathroom chaperone – I couldn’t get out of bed by myself for the all-important, middle-of-the-night bathroom visit, and I’d text message her in the other room! The alarm on her phone would wake her, and she’d trudge in to help me. Wow, thank heavens for family.

Props also to my loving fiancé, who did everything in his power to make sure I stayed in bed and rested properly – from cooking and cleaning to making runs to Starbucks, he was a God-send.

Now – down to the nitty-gritty. The surgeries were designed to remove excess skin, and they did. A total of 12 lbs of skin were removed from my stomach, leaving me with a very thin but very long scar that runs from hip to hip. Another pound or so was removed from each breast, reducing my cup size from a G to a D and increasing the perkiness by about, oh, a million percent. Seriously, they point towards the sky like they’ve never done, and it’s fantastic! And finally, about ½ lb of skin was removed from each arm. That may not sound significant, but it sure is nice to wave at someone and have my upper underarm stop waving at the same time as my hand. The scars there were the toughest to heal, and are redder and wider than all the rest. Dr. K says this is typical since we use our arms so much, and the area where the scars are located (from just under my elbow, all the way to my armpit and looping down around the pit from front to back) is hard to bandage.

In total, I dropped an entire dress size just from skin removal. For the first time in my entire life, I have a flat stomach with no fat or skin hanging from it. I can wear a normal sized bra, bought at a normal sized boutique. And this summer, despite the scars, I’ll be excited to wear strapless and halter tops!

In all of my giddy wonderment, I don’t mean to undermine how difficult, painful and long the recovery was (and still is!). I was bed-bound for about a week, had to rest out of work for six weeks, and had to be heavily bandaged for most of them. Even now, I wear adhesive silicone strips on my arm scars to help combat inflammation and redness, in the hopes of limiting some of the scarring. I also took a fair share of pain killers during that time, which really messed up my sleep schedule and appetite, and when I moved too much or too quickly, I managed to rip out internal stitches holding my stomach muscles in place on two occasions (and it didn’t tickle). To be frank, plastic surgery is not for the faint of heart.

All that being said, if I had it to do over again, I would. Just this evening, I did 30 minutes on the treadmill – running! This is a feat I could never do before, thanks to all of the extra skin that would bounce around and damage the tissue under it. It feels so freeing to just RUN! And it finally feels like I have an outward appearance that matches how I feel on the inside. That alone is something I never thought I’d get the opportunity experience.

So there you have it. I’m very happy with the results now that I’ve installed replacement parts! I feel like a part of my journey is ending now – but also that a whole new chapter (one where I’m finally comfortable in my own skin) is just beginning.

The final frontier

I love how experience can make us wiser. About two years ago, when I was contemplating WLS, I had some pretty strong opinions about what I would and wouldn’t do if I went through with it. I also had pre-conceived notions about who should have the surgery and why. For example, I thought if someone were born thin, gained weight later and couldn’t take it off, they shouldn’t be granted the surgery. In my mind, it should have been reserved for people like me, who had been fat for their whole lives – not former thin people who blew it! I also thought that plastic surgery following massive weight loss was a farce. I figured it was reserved for those vain people who wanted to look like supermodels, and by extension, didn’t deserve WLS in the first place, because it should only be used to cure obesity-related ailments. Wow, was I wrong on all counts. If the past two years have taught me anything, it’s that I should never judge other people for their choices and decisions. Nobody has the right to tell anyone how to live or manage their own lives, and it kind of shocks me a little that I was so naive to think that I had all the answers for everyone else back then. My, how I’ve changed.

I think WLS is a wonderful tool that is going to revolutionize our North American society. It has the potential to cure a lot of obesity-related ailments, extend the lives of millions, and save us countless health care dollars in the process. I don’t think anyone who needs help to lose the minimum amount of weight should be denied the opportunity to use this tool, and I hope we’re moving towards greater access for all.

I’m also hoping that we make some gains in subsequent treatments needed after WLS. For the past 6 months, I’ve been researching, asking questions and visiting more doctors than you can shake a stick at to prepare myself for the final frontier – plastic surgery. This is a huge step for me, considering that I swore up and down that I’d never partake! I figured I’d just be happy to have lost the weight, and that my life would be great without all of my extra (literal) baggage. What I’ve discovered is that the human body doesn’t always work the way we’d like it to. After losing more than 100 lbs, I’m left with a lot of excess skin that is bothersome and painful. It causes some health issues with chaffing and rashes, plus it’s almost impossible to do a lot of high-impact activities without serious discomfort. The jiggling and bouncing of excess flesh is not pleasant! Then, there’s the overall self-esteem issue. I mistakenly thought that losing 100+ lbs would make me look better on the outside. The irony of folks telling me how fantastic I look is not lost on me – because the real result is not quite so pretty. Picture a melting candle. That’s how I look without clothes on. Flesh that used to be filled with perky, pert fat cells now droops and sags. Formerly firm body parts are now squishy soft with little definition. I can grab handfuls of skin from just about anywhere, and pull them away from my frame like taffy.

I’m happy to report that I’ve found a surgeon I trust, and together we were able to convince my provincial health insurance to cover some of the costs of surgery. This is where I think we need some improvement. I’d love to see OHIP (or other provincial insurance) cover the entire costs associated with post-WLS plastics, but we’re just not there yet. There’s still quite a stigma attached to “cosmetic surgery” (as they like to call it) in that it’s assumed that it’s an elective, non-essential, purely-for-looks treatment. Clearly, that’s not the case. At this point, I’m scheduled to have a breast reduction & lift, double brachioplasty (removal of skin from my upper arms) and a full abdominalplasty (also known as a “tummy tuck”). In all, the surgeon will remove up to 15 lbs of excess skin from my body. OHIP will cover the cost of the breast reduction, and by virtue of me already being in the OR they are paying for, a bit of the costs of the other surgeries, but I will be covering a large portion myself. Don’t get me wrong – I knew all along that if I opted to have plastics, I would be responsible for a large portion of the costs, and I’m happy to have the means to do so. But given the health benefits that I will enjoy due to these surgeries, I hope this changes soon. I think the WLS community (and especially our provincial insurance providers) need to recognize a “whole patient” approach and see patients through to the end of their whole journey, not just halfway through.

As I approach my surgery date (in a little over 8 weeks), I’m filled with a little bit of fear and a lot of hope. I’m excited at the prospect of finally shedding my physical fat shell, and nervous at the idea of a 5-6 hour surgery to accomplish it! But given the vast numbers of folks out there who have opted for WLS or who know someone who has, I’m happy to share my experiences here. Wish me luck – I’m rounding the curve and heading for finish line!

No, really - I'm sweet enough!

Ever feel like you’re fighting a losing battle? I do, and it centers on the great sugar debate. As a post-op gastric bypass patient, I’m supposed to limit my sugar intake. Albeit, I’m quite lucky (depending on your perspective) – about half of all RNY gastric bypass patients suffer from “dumping syndrome” (picture a diabetic attack with sweating, heart palpitations, vomiting and diarrhea all at the same time) when they consume too much sugar. I’m part of the 50% who don’t. I occasionally find myself in a dumping situation after (of all things) too much natural sugar from fruit (pineapple is usually the culprit for me!), but complex sugars tend to not affect me (unless in huge quantities, which I can’t fit into my pouch anyway). Ideally, I should consume less than 60 grams a day, but through careful research, my aim after my surgery has been 25 grams a day to stay safe. And wow, is it ever difficult! You’d be so surprised as where those little sugar grams hide – in everything from bread to milk. So it’s not enough to just cut out candy and baked goods (if you hear sobbing, it’s just me) – carefully reading labels, making educated choices and limiting portion size are all keys to success.

Recently, my wonderful garcon-aimee was diagnosed with type-2 diabetes. Scary! In addition to all of the health-risk factors type 2 diabetes leads to, actually getting his sugar levels under control has been a struggle. We haven’t sorted it out yet (sadly, there may be insulin shots in his near future), but our first step has been to cut out as much sugar from his diet as possible. It has me re-examining all of the foods that we eat and all of the cooking methods I’ve been employing over the past year and a half, and I have to say, it’s been eye-opening. I realized that it’s easy to slip back into old habits if you’re not diligent all the time. For example, right after my own surgery, I made the switch to Splenda over real sugar in any baking or cooking I did, and in my coffee too. But I allowed myself to be swayed by all of the bad press Splenda and other sugar substitutes have received (especially aspartame), and though “oh, I only use a little here and there, anyway!” and went back to it. Once that happened, I found myself not being so careful with prepared foods and drinks, often ordering “low sugar” options at my favourite coffee shops instead of “sugar-free” ones. When the diagnosis came, I started checking out the nutritional values on things we both had been consuming, and was shocked to find that the “low sugar” options can sometimes have upwards of 50 grams of sugar per serving!

And of course, I haven’t even delved into the carb / complex carb debate, and how they turn to sugar in your system too…I have a fairly solid background on this issue thanks to my fabulous post-op nutritionist, but I’m happy to be going to the 3-hour education session with the boy at the Diabetic Clint to get a refresher! I think it’s time to go back to the basics – lots of “eat only what comes out of the earth that way” or make it myself with wholesome, real-food ingredients. It’s funny how I am so committed to doing it because it’s for a loved one, but didn’t mind falling off the wagon when it was for me. Oh, I can hear the weight-loss therapist now!

So from here on out, hold the sugar, please! We’re all, apparently, sweet enough ;)

Wise words worth sharing

You are faced with challenges so you’ll know none are bigger than you.

Those are strong words that require a bit of thought. As a writer, I tend to be verbose at times. Grasping to explain the unexplainable, attempting to sort out questions and queries with the written word. Finally, I’ve stumbled upon a statement that needs no further explanation. Ironically enough, I think I’ve pondered this statement for almost a month now. Allowed it to roll around in my brain and off my tongue a few times. Whispered it under my breath in times of trial. Now that I’m sure, I wanted to share it. I hope it provides you the same comfort it has me.

My social experiment - part deux

So when we left off, I had just gone to bed to avoid thinking about my mad lie and false advertising routine on a free dating site. I vowed that I wouldn't look at the inbox until I was able to delete the phony profile the following evening at 8. So off to work I went, trying to put it out of my mind.

Throughout the day, I found my mind wandering...part of me was flattered that men I didn't know found me attractive. The other part of me was angry that looks - and in particular, weight - play such a huge part in acceptance in society. Really, does an extra 120 lbs actually change anything about me besides my outer shell? If I believe in the results of my little social experiment, it apparently does. And if this is true, how unfair is that?! All day, I found myself playing this argument over and over in my mind...I'm the same person, so why am I so much more attractive now? And most importantly, are the successes that I'm enjoying now (mainly, a great personal life, a man I love and who loves me, a great new job, wonderful new friends) only due to the fact that I'm 120 lbs lighter? It really made me think. And then get scared. If I somehow gain back 120 lbs, will it all go away?

Needless to say, Thursday wasn't a very fruitful day at work for me. I teetered between being angry at my findings and scared at the implications of re-gaining weight. Wow, I didn't realize just how much this little experiment would affect me!

At promptly 8 p.m., I logged on and took a gander at the inbox. One hundred and nine emails, total. In 24 hours. Wow. I didn't know if I should be flattered or sad. In the end, I think I leaned more towards disappointed that we still live in a world that is so terribly judgemental towards people of size. I realize that it's probably naive to expect societal norms to change overnight, but I'd sure like to see some improvements. It also made me realize that this isn't a cause that I'm willing to let fall to the wayside just because I'm not labelled "morbidly obese" anymore. I hope this little experiment will make even a few readers notice the fat-biases that exist in our world today. And if you'd like to read some interesting news, legislation battles and stories about this fight to stop the bias, check out the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. Their website regularly inspires me to continue treating people of all shapes and sizes with respect, because if there's anything I've learned over the past 120 lbs, it's that you should never judge someone if you haven't walked a mile in their plus-sized shoes.

As for my phony-baloney profile, it's gone for good. And I have to say that I'm supremely happy that I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man who loved me when I was heavy, and who continues to love me at my current size. I was lucky to find him when I did :) To all my single gal pals, I wish you the best of luck splashing around in the dating pool...I have my fingers crossed that you find your Romeo, too!

My social experiment - part 1

Back in the olden days of Cheri (ok, 16+ months ago, before surgery), I was living it up as a single gal in the city, enjoying all that the dating scene had to offer. While I wasn't a huge meet-them-at-the-grocery-store guru, I did enjoy online dating, and frequented a number of established websites to try them out. Paid sites, 'find your soulmate' sites, free sites, exclusively plus sized sites...you name it, I tried it. As a plus sized girl, I was well aware that the pool of men who preferred plus sized women was shallow, and I was willing to leave no stone unturned in my quest for true love. After months of research (and about 65 dates, by my calculation), I finally settled on using a free site that seemed to have them most members in my area, as well as a constant stream of new folks. I stayed with that site for a little over 2 years, and became very familiar with the community, the members and the protocol for the online dating scene.

So this brings me to my first observation. As a plus sized girl, I did have a steady stream of suitors (from a former NFL player to a vice-president on Bay Street and everything in between). I also had my fair share of rude, out-of-the-blue emails from jerks who just had to comment on how "fat chicks shouldn't be on this site" (yes, that happened quite frequently...I also couldn't get over the "helpful" sort who would send me an email to kindly let me know that if I lost a bunch of weight, I'd be really pretty and men would find me more desirable. Like I hadn't actually noticed that I was carting around an extra 120 lbs!). Overall, I observed that the dating scene could be hard on a heavy gal if she didn't have her self esteem and self worth in check before she posted a profile.

Fast forward to prep-work for the surgery. In my many social-psych and counselling appointments, it was drilled into my head that I would change after the surgery - not just on the outside, but on the inside, too. I would notice that others would treat me differently, but that would be because my own perceptions would be altered, and I would demand to be treated differently - with respect. I have to be honest, I took issue with this concept from the beginning. It was like they were prepping me for personal transformation, but neglecting to acknowledge that society has a tremendous fat-bias that makes life difficult for people of size. No, they said...YOU will change, and you will be treated differently by society because of the way YOU view YOURSELF. I took it with a grain of salt and thought I'd re-visit the issue once I lost the weight.

Fast forward once more to present day. I'm 120 lbs lighter and I do feel like I am treated differently. I acknowledge the fact that I have changed. I'm more confident, have greater self worth and I find a lot more joy in my life now than when I was heavy. But I still think that a lot of that also comes from not being an obese person whom society ridicules and scorns. I wanted to test out this hypothesis both to satisfy my own curiosity and to prove wrong the notion that it's just about my own internal transformation. Hogwash! My hypothesis was that I'm treated differently because of the way I look, and I knew the perfect way to test it. As a long-time member of one particular dating site, I decided to post a dummy post-op profile using a new photo of myself, along with a VERY vague, two-sentence profile description (no small feat for a writer, I might add, lol!) and four measly interests: hiking, walking, reading and writing (man, do I sound boring or what?). As a plus sized girl, I usually got 6-7 emails a week (on average, one a day) from interested suitors. I wanted to see if my average increased based on my new profile. So, I set about posting said profile at around 8 p.m. on a Wednesday night. I used the photo I've posted here, and I chose the option of looking for a "long term" relationship. I also determined that I would only leave my profile up for a couple of hours, and that I would not respond to any correspondence. This was an experiment only - I'm a happily involved woman! What followed was shocking, even to an online dating veteran like myself.

8:15 p.m. Checked my inbox to find 14 emails from potential suitors. Most looked legit and actually typed messages that consisted of more than 3 words, and most were strung together like they had finished high school. Impressive! Only a couple red flags: One marriage proposal from "Latin Lovrrr" and one cheesy pick up line from "Bazzinga!" (The heavens must be crying because they lost an angel...barf!).

8:30 p.m. After sorting through the first 14 emails, I head back to the inbox to find another 22 new ones. Holy moley! As a veteran of the site, I realize that my profile shows that I'm actually online while I'm checking emails, so a lot of men will write with the hopes of using an instant messenger feature to get to know you quicker than email. Thankfully, I had turned that feature off before checking my mail (see, told you I was a veteran!). That still doesn't cut down on the number of emails I get that say "Wanna chat?" 18 in total, along with 2 very complimentary notes ("boy4girl" simply said, "WOW. Beautiful." while "SamIAm" told me I had gorgeous eyes - side note, this experiment was taking on a life of its own and starting to stroke my ego just a bit!).

9:00 p.m. Ok. Finished checking out the 22 emails in time to go back to my inbox to find yet another influx of email. Holy cow. I didn't realize the site had installed a new "So-and-so wants to meet you" feature! There are 8 of these in my inbox, along with 13 more regular emails, although some are second emails from impatient men who had already asked me to chat. So deduct 4 that say "How come you don't wanna chat?"...they don't really count. To be honest, I'm starting to feel like fresh meat at a meat market, and it's not a comforting feeling. I'm getting a little bored with the experiment, since it's already kind of proved that I was right - way more action for a skinny gal than a heavy one. Take that, staff psychiatrist! I log off to focus my attention on Glee :)

11:15 p.m. I decide to check the 'ol inbox one last time before going to bed. Oh my god. Counting the ones I've already opened, there are 87 emails in my inbox. I now understand why the administrator on the site always warns that some people may not even read your email before they delete it. I always thought it was rude, but if I got 87 emails in a few hours, I can see their point. Overwhelming is an understatement. The sad part is, some of the emails sound very genuine, and they seem like stand-up guys. Guys I would give a chance if I were, in fact, in the market (which I'm definitely not). I start to feel guilty for leading them on a wild goose chase. The poor schmucks are just looking for love and I'm the epitome of false advertising. I decide to delete my newly-created account, pronto. I go through the motions, get to the last page, hit delete, and am stop-signed by a giant red message: YOU CANNOT DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 24 HOURS OF CREATING IT. Oh, lordie. I have to leave this thing up until 8 tomorrow night??? I give up and go to bed, feeling like a heel.

Want to know what  happened next? Stay tuned for part 2, coming soon!!

Finally back on track!

Well, it's been a long time coming, but spring is finally here! I don't know about you, but there's something about a new season that is invigorating. In particular, spring is about rebirth and renewal, so it's a perfect time to refocus on my goals and what I need to do to achieve them. In my last post, I was still in a bit of mid-winter slump and determined to take it easy for a while. I'm happy to say that the hibernation is over, and I'm itching to get back into good habits and on with my weight loss goal for the year!

Once I decided to get back on the wagon, so to speak, I went to my bible on weight loss surgery. I found that out of all the books available on the market, Dr. Garth Davis (from the TV show Big Medicine, for those of you familiar with him) has one of the best. It's called "The Expert's Guide to Weight Loss Surgery" and it is, hands down, the most comprehensive guide out there. His section on staying on track for post-op patients is so very helpful! And whether you're a post-op patient or not, you can probably benefit from the advice that he gives for getting back on track with your weight loss goals.

For me, the biggest thing is mindful eating. That is, I really need to think about what I'm putting in my mouth and if I'm eating it because I'm hungry or for some other reason. In the past, this was a real stumbling block for me, because I had difficulty determining if I were actually hungry or eating as an emotional response. Nowadays, it's a lot easier to stop myself from grazing all day (given that I don't have that much room in my stomach), but it's still important to ask the question before I eat: am I hungry, or just [insert emotion here - like bored, mad, upset or stressed]?

The second target I've identified to keep me on track is to drink my water. I know this sounds simple (especially to someone like me who loves water!), but you'd be surprised at how often I forget to continuously sip, sip, sip. In particular, on days when I'm out and about, running errands or visiting friends, I often forget to bring my water bottle with me. This is a big problem because thirst often masks itself as hunger, so I might reach for a snack when all I really need is a drink. Dr. Davis recommends 64 oz of water a day (or 8 glasses, just like they told me on Sesame Street), so I've gone back to tracking my drinks all day just to make sure I get them all in.

Third, and probably the most important goal for me, is to get back on my exercise regime. After taking quite a few weeks off, I'm itching to shake my groove thang! The general rule for bariatric surgery patients is 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, but I prefer to get physical every day. I'm lucky to have gym at my disposal at work, but besides 30 minutes on the treadmill, I also like to move whenever I can, even if it's just walking the dogs or parking extra-far-away from work or the mall.

The last tip I'm going to employ is a tough one for me, I admit it. Dr. Davis' mantra is "I will get support when I am feeling challenged," and that's easier said than done. Part of it is that I'm physically too far away from Toronto now to attend the monthly support group that meets on Wednesday evenings. Given that, I need to rely more on friends and supporters, and sharing a struggle can be a challenge in itself. I am super thankful for my surgery sistas, Heather and Ange, who are always there for a conversation and encouragement when I need it. And I'm also blessed to have my sister and my friend Jenn in my corner because they both go out of their way to ensure my comfort (especially around eating) whenever I'm with them. That being said, I suspect I'll have to find a local group to attend on occasion if I'm going to get the support that I need when I'm feeling challenged. And if that's what it takes to continue being successful, then I'm game. Keep in mind too, for those of you who haven't had surgery, that asking for help is a universal benefit. Remember, there's never any shame in asking for what you need.

Ok, I think that's it for now. I'm excited to be getting back on track with my goals and I'm so looking forward to continuing with and building on the successes that I've had so far. To the rest of you out there who are up to the challenge, best of luck...it's onward and upward from here!

Sometimes, you just need to chill...

Throughout this journey of mine, I've often written about how my mindset has changed. I'm definitely a more positive person (and let's be honest, I'm living a dream come true, so why wouldn't I be?), and I find joy in the simple things like never before. In particular, I've been pretty thrilled with my new physical abilities in the gym and out, plus with my general attitude towards exercise. I can't believe that I've embraced it over this past year, and that it's actually worked in my favour.

So really, I shouldn't be surprised that after fourteen months, I'm actually finding it more and more difficult to get out and exercise. Now, I must say, given the extremely cold and snowy winter we've had so far (today the mercury kissed -35 with the windchill), along with the seasonal darkness and my new duties at work (5 months in, and I routinely work 50+ hours per week), it's little wonder that my interest and energy are waining. But I'm pretty scared at the prospect of not catching the activity bug again, and hating exercise. I don't want that to happen, so I've been taking a rather controversial stance on it. I'm not forcing myself to get there, I'm giving myself a break. At first, when I skipped my workouts for an entire week, I felt supremely guilty. To be honest, I felt a bit like a failure, like I was letting myself down, not to mention all of the people who have supported my journey. But I had a chat with a good friend recently, and it changed my perspective.

This fabulous friend of mine does not exercise on a regular basis. She's one of the healthiest people I know in that she only eats organic food, makes everything from scratch, does not consume sugar or caffeine, and supplements her diet with all-natural herbs, remedies and caffeine-free teas. She also treats herself well, being careful to not use drugs to treat illness (if at all possible), and she makes a point to get enough sleep. Really, I aspire to be like her, because she seems to have it all together from a holistic standpoint. Now, from a physical perspective, she has had some injuries from a  long-ago car accident and finds traditional physical exercise too hard on her body, so besides the occassional aquafit class to get some good stretching in, she does not work out. When I mentioned one evening on our way out the door that I felt SO guilty for not going to the gym to work out, she helped me see the light. She said, "We are in the same position right now, leaving work without exercising. You feel guilty for not exercising, but I feel no guilt whatsoever. It just isn't something I can or want to do, so why make it worse by stressing over it? If you think not exercising isn't healthy, think of how unhealthy it is to create more stress (in the form of guilt) in your life."

Ah, epiphany! She's right. Here I am, over 100 lbs lighter than I was last year, feeling fantastic energy and excitement about life, and allowing myself to feel guilt over something that will most likely pass. Wow, am I nervey! I think (after mulling it over), that I should listen to my friend (and for that matter, the psycho-social staff at the gastric bypass clinic that I attend), and be gentler with myself. Rome wasn't built in a day, and if I'm in this for the long run, a temporary rest from activity until the weather clears or until I find another activity that sparks my interest, isn't the end of the world. In fact, some might argue that it's just the healthy break that I need to recharge my batteries.

My opinion was reinforced earlier this morning when I opened my daily "Note from the Universe" (to those of you unfamiliar, you can sign up for daily emails with great advice for living at http://www.tut.com/ ) only to find another gem. It reminded me that sadness, illness, and despair are less conditions than they are decisions to see yourself as less than you really are. There's nothing stopping me from choosing joy instead. In my case, I was choosing guilt over happiness and acceptance, and now that I see the light, I'll be choosing differently.

So I guess this post is a reminder to everyone that sometimes we can discard those "should do" lists and just be a little easier on ourselves. If you're a gastric bypass patient, the lesson is even more important - it's a long journey, and you can't be perfect all the time. Take heart in the successes you've celebrated so far, and know that there are more to come - at your own pace, and in your own time.

Cheers!

On resolutions...Happy 2011!

Happy 2011, everyone! I love the feeling a new year brings – to borrow from my favourite fictitious character, it’s a fresh, new, year with no mistakes in it yet (thanks, Anne!). But with a new year comes resolutions – and whether they are weight-related, health-related, or resolution-related (yes, I know a lot of you have resolved to stop making resolutions!), January is generally a time when we reassess our situation, vow to make simple changes and try to live healthier lives.

Personally, I mistakenly thought that I was through with resolutions after having gastric bypass and losing the amount of weight I’ve lost so far. I was wrong. For those of you familiar with the surgery, I’ve hit what we call a “stall” – I’ve essentially stopped losing weight while my body adjusts to its new size. Now, you may think that’s a bad thing, but not necessarily. I like that I’ve been in the same clothing size for a couple months now and that I’m not switching out items of my wardrobe quicker than you can say “charge it.” I also like the fact that I’ve been feeling stronger than ever, now that my body has figured out how many calories and nutrients it needs to get through my day. And most importantly, my energy level is awesome, and on my recent annual physical at my doctor’s office, he declared that I am in perfect health – something that has never, ever happened to me in my lifetime. When I told him I planned on getting the last 30 lbs off to reach my goal weight this year, he said I didn’t need to because I couldn’t be in more pristine health (shocker!), even at a lighter weight.

So that leads me to my resolution dilemma. When I signed up for the surgery, I was told it’s a tool, and like any tool, it was only meant to help me do what I wanted to do, not do it for me. The analogy they used in my education class was if you have a hammer and want to build a house, the hammer won’t build it for you, but you can do it yourself, using the hammer. So, too, with gastric bypass. Yes, initially, the weight will fall off by itself (as I found out), generally without too much effort from me (and please don’t read this as easy way out – it was due to very frequent vomiting and the inability to eat large quantities of anything). I also didn’t have to exert myself terribly hard when exercising – just walking and jogging on a fairly consistent basis with some aquafit and light weights thrown in for toning. NOW comes the hard part. To lose the extra 30 lbs or so to reach my goal weight (and for me, I set my own goal weight as one that would put me in the “normal” range on the BMI scale), I’m going to have to make more changes. I will need to exercise more frequently and with more intensity, and I might even need to monitor my caloric intake a bit to ensure I’m burning off more than I’m taking in. For some reason, that scares me a bit. I think it’s because as a formerly obese person, I was so used to failing at this sort of plan over and over again, to face it once again is intimidating.

On top of that, I also have to face the reality that I may never get to my goal weight because it’s just not something my body is willing to do. And I will have to be okay with that. I think part of my new body, lifestyle and belief system is acceptance, and being willing to cherish my success without immediately thinking that I have to do better.

So here I am, a new year and a new resolution – one that I’ve made before, to live a healthier life. But this year, it will be different. I have the tools to help me achieve it, and confidence based on success to see me through. And I think that’s the key. So to all of you who have made some resolutions to live a healthier life in 2011, I’m right there with you. Let’s do this thing!

Sickness after surgery

If I can say anything consistent about being a post-op RNY patient, it's that there's always something new to contend with right around the corner. And since in life, timing is everything, this latest eye-opener came right on the heels of my exciting and reaffirming experience speaking at the Bariatric Conference.

I was looking forward to celebrating my one year surgiversary on December 7th, but the night before I got sick. After a long day at work, I went home and collapsed on the couch with extreme dizziness and a high fever, followed by vomiting. Now for those of you unfamiliar with the gastric bypass procedure, vomiting is a scary prospect. Not only is my stomach much smaller than the norm, thereby limiting my ability to take in an appropriate amount of nourishment to fight off whatever bug is causing it, but replenishing the fluids I've lost through vomiting is a huge issue. I can only take in about a cup of food or liquid at a time, and with rapid loss of fluid, dehydration is a potentially life-threatening risk. In fact, when completing the pre-op education classes necessary to have the surgery, I was warned again and again that if I vomited for more than a day, I needed to get to the clinic to preserve my health. There were stories of other post-op patient deaths that were a direct result of dehydration, and they didn't need to convince me how very important staying hydrated is to an RNY patient. 

So, the next day, off I went to my family doctor to get checked out. I have nothing but praise for my fantastic GP. Despite being new to gastric bypass, he's always well informed and listens to my concerns as they relate to my new lifestyle and eating abilities. He was equally as concerned about my fluid levels with vomiting as I was and he set to work to rule out his main concerns: bacterial meningitis, c-difficile and H1N-strains of the flu. He was able to positively diagnose a viral infection, and he explained to me that rest was my absolute best ally in the fight to get well.

Quite honestly, before surgery, the whole "rest and get well" thing kind of went in one ear and out the other with me, as I'm sure it does with most people. Yes, we get sick, but very often we still go to work, we still keep up with our daily lives, and we don't take enough time to give our bodies a chance to rest. As a result, it can take 2 to 3 times longer to recover from a common illness like a cold or the flu, and we tend to feel miserable (not to mention exhausted) for weeks.  But I'm glad that my doctor explained the difference for RNY patients. Without the stomach capacity or duodenum to adequately digest and absorb nutrients, our bodies' only defense is to rest. When rest can't keep up with illness and dehydration sets in, IV fluids are generally needed. This is no joke. And in the past year, if I've learned anything, it's that my health is paramount and I refuse to take it lightly.

That being said, the first week home was hard for me. Besides being a sitting duck for an infection that was ravaging my systems (I even developed infected gums and cuticles), I found it hard to sit still. Even as a sickie, my post-op energy was getting the best of me. After 6 days, Monday rolled around and I was chomping at the bit to get back to work. Bad idea. On my way out the door to go to work Monday morning, the dizziness and vomiting returned with a vengeance. No work for me, and a trip back to my doctor, who was not pleased that I had tried to rush the process. Now, I'm pretty thick-headed, but I think this one actually got through. Even with my new body, with all of its new abilities, I still can't cheat illness.

My doctor ordered me off work until next Tuesday, and I plan on taking his advice. My only trip out of the house was to Indigo to stock up on must-read new releases, and I'm expecting a visit from my wonderful sister this weekend (who has graciously volunteered to clean my house for the holidays - no doubt to put a stop to my whining about it, lol). I was also thrilled to get a visit from my friend and co-worker Jenn yesterday, who delivered a delicious batch of homemade chicken soup to my door, along with a group get well soon card from my team at work. Needless to say, I feel extremely lucky to have such caring people looking out for me.

So I leave you with this thought. Whether you're post-op patient, a pre-op patient, or just your average Joe, please take care of yourself this season. There's nothing heroic about going to work sick or exhausting yourself when you're feeling terrible. Be gentle with yourself and your body will thank you with good health all year.

My Speech at the Bariatric Education Conference

Today I had a full circle moment. I was lucky enough to speak at the 2nd annual Bariatric Education Conference at the University of Toronto's Faculty Club, and to share my weight loss surgery story with people in the business. It was an amazing feeling to stand in front of health care providers like nurses, dietitians, social-psychiatry staff, surgeons and folks from the Ministry of Health and detail my journey. I also got quite a few requests for my blog address so that it could be shared with patients going through the same thing. I'm humbled and honoured that they would think to share my experiences, and I aim to keep writing about my struggles so that others can benefit :). And so, below, you'll find my speech in its entirety. I want to thank my wonderful friend and surgery-sista, Heather Rosenthal, who also spoke at the conference today. As patient #1 in our program, she's always been and will always be my inspiration.


When I first heard about gastric bypass surgery, I was skeptical. I thought it was a crazy & dangerous procedure reserved for the rich and famous out in Hollywood, not for normal, everyday people like me. What I did know was that after 34 years of trying to control my weight through every way possible, and after failing miserably at it year after year, I was ready to try something new. Little did I know that this procedure, this tool, would change my life in ways I never thought possible.



My surgery date was almost a year ago today, December 7, 2009. The day I went in for surgery, I was 281 lbs on a 5 foot, 1 inch frame. My BMI was a whopping 51.1. I had been suffering from extreme hypertension for 10 years, had severe asthma that limited my activity level, was infertile thanks to polycystic ovarian syndrome, I was exhibiting symptoms of pre-diabetes, and I was exhausted. I couldn’t climb a flight of stairs without feeling faint and needing to sit down. And most importantly, my favourite expression was, “I can’t.” After so many years of being obese, I had gotten used to giving up before even trying so many things because I knew that I physically couldn’t do it. Activities like skiing, running & rock climbing were out of reach for me. I would avoid public places like restaurants in case I couldn’t physically fit in their seats or booths. Then there was the emotional tole. I shied away from social gatherings and any situations at work where I would have to be front and centre. I didn’t want anyone looking at me or scrutinizing me because years of being the target of ridicule over my weight. I have to say, the social stigma and resulting self esteem issues that come from being obese should never be discounted when treating patients.


So, when I went into surgery, I was as hopeful as could be without actually believing that it would work. After failing at something for so long, it was difficult to believe that this tool could really help me. I wasn’t convinced that I would be successful. It was scary at times and definitely difficult. While the physical recovery only took a matter of weeks, the emotional healing after years of using food as a coping mechanism was incredibly difficult. In particular, I credit the counseling and dietary staff at Toronto Western Hospital for helping me through all of the trials and tribulations I faced. They kept me on track with exercise, helped me to learn to eat properly, and guided me through the various stages of vitamin intake to stay nourished throughout the process. They had warned me ahead of time that the emotional and mental effects of this procedure far outweigh the physical ones, and they were right. I feel like I’m well on my way to conquering food issues, but it’s a work in progress that will likely take the rest of my life.


Physically, I still have difficulty recognizing this new woman in the mirror – she’s so different than the one that lives inside my head! One of the most surprising things for me is that it’s a bit of a struggle to shop in regular sized clothing stores – there’s so much available when you’re not in a plus size! I still gravitate towards the extra large clothing on the racks, only to go back for a medium once I realize I’m swimming in them. I’m not sure how long it will take to get used to this new body, but it’s not a task I’ll complain about!


In terms of physical healing, I’m shocked that my once-barely-mobile body has been able to accomplish so much. My energy level, in particular, is amazing. I feel like I can get so much done during a day now, because I’m not exhausted anymore. Exercise is a daily ritual for me, and I can’t believe that I’m enjoying it. That alone – the mind shift required to now think of myself as a person capable of physical activity – is an amazing accomplishment in and of itself.


I think one of the most difficult aspects of this procedure is dealing with the often prevalent public perception that bariatric surgery is a quick fix or the easy way out. It is a frustrating misnomer for those of us who have had the surgery. This journey through gastric bypass surgery has been the most difficult challenge of my life, but also the most rewarding. As a writer, I’ve made the decision to share my journey with the public both through my blog and in the form of a memoir which I hope to have published, but it still never fails to surprise me when people I don’t even know boldly tell me that my weight loss doesn’t count or I could have done the same thing without surgery. I think that everyone in this room has their work cut out for them in convincing the public that obesity is a disease, and it’s a wonderful advance in modern medicine to finally have a treatment that yields the kind of results gastric bypass does. I am a healthier and happier person now, and it’s due to this procedure. I’d highly recommend it to other patients seeking a tool to help them conquer obesity.


As for my personal results, I’m ecstatic. Today, my total weight loss is 120 lbs, only 30 lbs away from my goal weight. I no longer take any medications. I don’t have hypertension, my lung function is normal, and I’m happy to report that the effects of polycystic ovaries have been reversed. I’m excited at the prospect of having my own family in the future! I am active and love to try new things, including running. When I recently had a fitness assessment, I was shocked to find that my fitness level actually fell into the “good” range. I have so much energy, some days I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve dropped 10 sizes in less than a year, and I feel like the world is my oyster. I’ve also gained confidence I never knew I had, and it has truly changed the direction of my life. I credit all of these things to this procedure. This tool was exactly what I needed to finally gain control of my life and to live it to the fullest.


In closing, to those of you in the room who treat and work with bariatric patients, I will say this: you change lives every single day, whether you realize it or not. It is your work that gives obese patients the strength, the knowledge, and the tools they need to finally break free from their personal prisons and live the healthy lives they’ve always wanted. Your compassion, your dedication to helping others and your willingness to keep learning by attending events like this one are exactly what are needed to fight the obesity epidemic, and I applaud your efforts.


Thank you for listening to my story today. It’s not finished yet, but I feel like this happy new beginning I’ve been given will lead me to a happy ending!




My story in pictures...the night before surgery, my princess costume from Halloween, and me on the beach in N.B.



A truly thankful Thanksgiving

As a post-op weight loss surgery patient, nothing strikes fear in my heart more than the prospect of a celebratory meal. So I approached Thanksgiving this year with some trepidation. In years past, before this massive change in my life, I would have approached the meal like any other - it was all about the delectable dishes being served, and about showing how you feel by putting all of your love and concern for family into the dining experience. Given that, I was concerned that major holidays like Thanksgiving would be lost on me, since I can't indulge with seconds (or thirds!) like I used to. And so, as the many counselling sessions I've had pre-and-post-op have taught me, a change in my thinking was in order.

This Thanksgiving marked a lot of firsts for me...and lots to be thankful for. It was my first major holiday with my new boyfriend, and we were invited to share in a meal with his extended family. It was my first major holiday post-op where I was in a position to actually eat solid food. It was my first holiday in a new city, and after starting my new job. And it marked my first Thanksgiving in Ontario that I didn't spend with my sister. In the past, any one of those stresses would have sent me into eating overtime under that guise that I was celebrating while I was really dealing with anxious feelings by stuffing them down with food. So I knew going into it that this year, this glorious year, had to be different.

The day was a wonderful inauguration for me. I spent the afternoon catching up with new friends, sharing stories, holding babies and babying pets (all 5 of them!). The food was plentiful and delicious, but I used my coping mechanisms - small serving sizes, eating slowly and not depriving myself. I had about 2 bites of everything, including a lovely strawberry pie for dessert, and felt so good to finally be in control after all these years. That point, in and of itself, is my most significant reason to be thankful this year.

Now that the first food-centric holiday is under my belt, I think the upcoming Christmas holiday should be a little easier. Although I think it will take some time for my brain and habits to catch up with my body and lifestyle, I know that it's possible to make this life change. And I'm not afraid, just happy to have so many caring people around me who are supporting my efforts. My new reality - that food is not the centre of my world anymore - is going to take some time to adjust to, but I'm up for it. I have to say, this mind shift is the hardest part of weight loss surgery. Thirty-five years of gorging at holiday functions is a tough habit to shed - I might venture to say, even harder to shed than the 115 lbs I've lost so far. In fact, when I signed up for the program, they warned me that the mind issues would be far more difficult than the physical issues. They were right.

And so I close this post on a positive, thankful note. I'm lucky to have had the opportunity to get this surgery, to change my life, to have caring, supportive people around me and to finally have my health in hand. All very good reasons to celebrate indeed.

To Be Or Not To Be

Sometimes, people define themselves by what they're not. For my single girlfriends, it's "I'm not married", "I'm not attached", or "I'm not a mom". Or maybe it's how you define your moral high ground. "I'm not a dishonest person", or "I'm not someone who does that sort of thing". But for me, recently, it's been a labour to find the words to express what I'm not anymore. By the BMI scale, I'm not obese. By association, you might say I'm not the object of ridicule or scorn. I'm not a freak show. Or by other's (albeit, unfair) standards, from the outside I look like I am not out of control, I am not obsessed with food and I am not a hazard to the health care system. But do these things really define me?

But now the more difficult question looms. What am I? Who am I? I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but the farther along on this weight loss journey I go, the less certain I am. I'm finding that defining myself, my likes and dislikes and even my wants and needs is not only tricky, but limiting. Saying I dislike something might close a door leading to further exploration. And saying "I'm not" limits my ability to say "I am". If I'm certain of anything these days, I know that possibilities are endless and embracing new experiences is one of the joys in life. So let this be my cautionary tale. The only "I'm not" you'll hear from me these days is that I'm not going to define myself that way. These days, I prefer to let my actions speak for themselves because they surprise me every day. This week, I am a runner (30 minutes on intervals on the treadmill, thank you!), I am a girl who wears high heels, I am a good friend, I am a writer. And I am excited to see what else I can be in the future.

A Comment On Energy

If anyone out there has ever lost a significant amount of weight, you probably already know this. You end up with energy to spare. As someone who previously had minimal energy and trouble getting through the day, this was a huge surprise to me! Yeah, I had lost some weight in the past...20, 30, 40 lbs at a time..and promptly gained it plus 10 back ;) I never kept it off for more than a few months, and often didn't even notice any extra energy I had - I was too busy "white knuckling" it, hanging on for dear life as I starved myself silly or worked myself to the bone at the gym to force my body into submission. But now, that's all changed.

It started at about one month post-surgery, when I had lost about 30 lbs. I was shocked to find that I had bursts of restlessness (despite the doctor's warnings to take it easy for about 6 weeks), and I had this innate desire to get up and MOVE! I was limited to 15 minutes at a time on my exercycle and a few arm-toning weight exercises, but I was itching to go. After the 6-week embargo on exercise, I was cleared for takeoff and joined the YMCA for aquafit. It was just what I needed - classes with cheerful members, all the dance-beat versions of Britney and Lady Gaga a girl could handle, and a well-toned male instructor with a cute-as-a-button bum in a speedo (Hey! I go to the Metro Y in the gaybourhood, so I'm totally allowed to look, lol!). But as I continued on with my progress, I was very surprised to find that even regular exercise, noontime power walks around the office and walks on the weekend weren't enough. This week, I made the transition from my beloved aquafit classes (that no longer make me short of breath or even a little winded) to straight-up lap swimming. Wow! 30 minutes of intermediate laps and I'm spent, and it feels soooo good.

I think the most surprising thing for me is that I can get through my day and actually feel like doing something after work. For all of you out there who struggle with weight, you know what I mean. If your idea of "relaxing after work" involves collapsing on the couch or having a 3-hour "power nap", your energy is just like mine used to be. Take it from me, there's a whole life waiting to be lived once you move beyond the fatigue. I'm so happy I stumbled across it while on my epic journey!

As for me, it's 7:15 on a Wednesday night, and now that the rain has stopped, my feet are craving a powerwalk around the 'hood. And I'm so thankful for that!

Perception Is Everything

I really can't believe how my own perception has changed since the surgery. I used to think that how people reacted to me, whether good or bad, was a direct result of what kind of biases they held and misjudgments they made about me. How wrong I was! Since losing the equivalent of a 13 year old supermodel (they don't weigh more than 80 lbs or so, do they?), I've noticed a marked difference in how people treat me. People I know, people I kind of know, even perfect strangers...they all seem to have a different perception of me now that I'm no longer morbidly obese. They seem to be more accepting, friendlier, they smile and make eye contact more, offer their assistance more readily - all the way around, I seem to be more "accepted" in society with my new appearance, and I've chalked it up to society's bias against folks of size. But I've been reading up a lot on this, as well as chatting with some of my surgery sisters (the go-to gals I meet up with about once a month to discuss our trials and tribulations), and I'm starting to realize that it has precious little to do with how I look or how much I weigh. It just dawned on me that I'm different on the inside. This weight loss has freed me of some of my own hang-ups, like shyness, insecurity and a lack of energy that bordered on apathy. I'm the one who has changed how I interact with people, and their reactions mirror it. For example, I make eye contact where I never did before. I smile more (and mean it!). I'm more open to communication, whatever the form, because I'm not expecting rude comments about my weight. And now I'm reaping the rewards. I can't believe that all this time, I thought it was them. It was me all along.

Now, that's not to say that when you're fat you don't get way more negative reactions and harassment. I'd be a fool to assume that fat-bias is a myth now that I'm leaning towards lean. But I am saying that if I had behaved differently at the size I used to be, maybe I would have had an easier time. What's that quote? "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.." Hmmm...food for thought ;)

And the truth shall set you free....

Well Happy 2010 everyone, and thanks for your patience over the first quarter of it while I let the blog slide :) I'm happy to be back, and have missed writing about the big and the minute things that make me wonder on a daily basis!

So, I have to say, this blog entry is late for one really big reason - I was deciding if this would be a forum for me to come clean on something. I've been running through things in my mind, wondering if I should or I shouldn't tackle this topic. After much contemplation, I finally decided to go for it! Honestly, I think what I'm going to tell you about has become a part of who I am, so it would be difficult, if not impossible, for me to ignore it. So here it goes...

As most of you probably noticed from some of my previous posts, weight issues have plagued me for my entire life. The topics of weight discrimination and in particular, fat biases, in our society have always been of interest to me because I've lived it every day. That, coupled with the health issues surrounding obesity, made me consider every option available to me to finally kick my obesity issues for good. It took me about 5 years of researching, a move to another province, and 14 months of waiting on a veeerrrry long waiting list, but I finally got to the bottom of (or, rather, on top of) my problem. And the results have been stunning.

On December 7, 2009, I had Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass Surgery at Toronto Western Hospital. Now, most people probably have little to no understanding of what this surgery entails, so let me enlighten you. Basically, my very qualified surgeon took my extremely over-sized stomach and cut it down to size (figuratively speaking, of course) by sectioning off a very small portion of it to create a pouch. The two parts of my stomach are separated by staples, with the largest section being the portion that produces the hormone ghrelin, which is responsible for physical cravings for food. With the ghrelin contained and a much smaller receptacle for incoming food, I don't crave anything anymore, and I can only eat about a cup of food at any given time (and to be honest, it's usually less than that). That's the restrictive part of the operation. The other half is called malabsorptive, because my intestine was cut so that food being digested would bypass my duodenum, the portion of my intestine that's responsible for absorbing calories and nutrients. I had a new portion of my intestine attached to a new "out port" in my new pouch, so most of the food I eat doesn't get absorbed completely. Combining both of these methods (restrictive and malabsorbtive) helps me to control what I eat and how my body digests it. And to be perfectly honest, although it sounds extreme and a little kooky to someone unfamiliar with it, my RNY was the best decision I've ever made. But for you to understand what drove me to such an extreme, you first have to understand the kind of day-to-day difficulties I endured by being morbidly obese.

A slug. That’s what I would have called myself a year ago, with my lack of energy, motivation and drive. I sat. A lot. With my heaviest weight of 281 lbs oppressively smothering my 5’1” frame, it’s no wonder I couldn’t move without pain, couldn’t sleep without severe sleep apnea, and couldn’t fathom another day trapped in my own personal fat hell. I had high blood pressure, asthma, circulation issues and couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without almost passing out. And I knew that at 34years old, it was only going to get worse if I didn’t do something drastic. But after years and years of failed diet attempts, gym memberships, personal consultations, pills, potions and prayers, I did what Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, and Bob & Jillian couldn’t. I asked my doctor for a referral to a weight loss surgery clinic. Thus began my journey towards health, wellness and living (for the first time in my life!) as a “normal” person, free from the bonds of obesity.

That first appointment I had at the Toronto Western clinic was exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. Somehow I managed the courage to continue through a rigourous screening process that involved a nutritional team, social worker, psychiatrist, nurse practitioner, surgical team and now, a support group. I found out all of the info, weighed my options carefully, and went for it. And at this point, 4 months later, I couldn't be happier.

I've lost 79 lbs (and counting - on average about 5 lbs a week!), I no longer take any medications at all. My lung function is normal, no need for asthma puffers. My high blood pressure has disappeared. I no longer suffer from sleep apnea. My joints don't hurt anymore. I walk everywhere (and fast, too!), climb stairs at every opportunity, don't obsess over food, and I go to the gym as much as possible. And I've shrunk a whopping 5 dress sizes, which allows me to shop on the large or extra large rack of any regular-sized store in the city (Sorry Lane Bryant and Penningtons, you won't be hearing from me again!) All this at 4 months out, and I'm not done yet. I'm actually giddy with anticipation for what the future holds.

In the coming weeks, I'm going to delve into what an emotional and psychological journey this has been for me so far, in particular in relation to how I was an emotional eater who used food as a crutch in my daily life. I'm also going to go into detail about the struggles (and there are many!) a post-op patient goes through, because believe me, this was no "easy way out"!! But for now, I'm content to finally let this cat out of the bag. It's one more weight lifted from my shoulders, and I have to say it...I feel as light as a feather.