Sometimes, you just need to chill...

Throughout this journey of mine, I've often written about how my mindset has changed. I'm definitely a more positive person (and let's be honest, I'm living a dream come true, so why wouldn't I be?), and I find joy in the simple things like never before. In particular, I've been pretty thrilled with my new physical abilities in the gym and out, plus with my general attitude towards exercise. I can't believe that I've embraced it over this past year, and that it's actually worked in my favour.

So really, I shouldn't be surprised that after fourteen months, I'm actually finding it more and more difficult to get out and exercise. Now, I must say, given the extremely cold and snowy winter we've had so far (today the mercury kissed -35 with the windchill), along with the seasonal darkness and my new duties at work (5 months in, and I routinely work 50+ hours per week), it's little wonder that my interest and energy are waining. But I'm pretty scared at the prospect of not catching the activity bug again, and hating exercise. I don't want that to happen, so I've been taking a rather controversial stance on it. I'm not forcing myself to get there, I'm giving myself a break. At first, when I skipped my workouts for an entire week, I felt supremely guilty. To be honest, I felt a bit like a failure, like I was letting myself down, not to mention all of the people who have supported my journey. But I had a chat with a good friend recently, and it changed my perspective.

This fabulous friend of mine does not exercise on a regular basis. She's one of the healthiest people I know in that she only eats organic food, makes everything from scratch, does not consume sugar or caffeine, and supplements her diet with all-natural herbs, remedies and caffeine-free teas. She also treats herself well, being careful to not use drugs to treat illness (if at all possible), and she makes a point to get enough sleep. Really, I aspire to be like her, because she seems to have it all together from a holistic standpoint. Now, from a physical perspective, she has had some injuries from a  long-ago car accident and finds traditional physical exercise too hard on her body, so besides the occassional aquafit class to get some good stretching in, she does not work out. When I mentioned one evening on our way out the door that I felt SO guilty for not going to the gym to work out, she helped me see the light. She said, "We are in the same position right now, leaving work without exercising. You feel guilty for not exercising, but I feel no guilt whatsoever. It just isn't something I can or want to do, so why make it worse by stressing over it? If you think not exercising isn't healthy, think of how unhealthy it is to create more stress (in the form of guilt) in your life."

Ah, epiphany! She's right. Here I am, over 100 lbs lighter than I was last year, feeling fantastic energy and excitement about life, and allowing myself to feel guilt over something that will most likely pass. Wow, am I nervey! I think (after mulling it over), that I should listen to my friend (and for that matter, the psycho-social staff at the gastric bypass clinic that I attend), and be gentler with myself. Rome wasn't built in a day, and if I'm in this for the long run, a temporary rest from activity until the weather clears or until I find another activity that sparks my interest, isn't the end of the world. In fact, some might argue that it's just the healthy break that I need to recharge my batteries.

My opinion was reinforced earlier this morning when I opened my daily "Note from the Universe" (to those of you unfamiliar, you can sign up for daily emails with great advice for living at http://www.tut.com/ ) only to find another gem. It reminded me that sadness, illness, and despair are less conditions than they are decisions to see yourself as less than you really are. There's nothing stopping me from choosing joy instead. In my case, I was choosing guilt over happiness and acceptance, and now that I see the light, I'll be choosing differently.

So I guess this post is a reminder to everyone that sometimes we can discard those "should do" lists and just be a little easier on ourselves. If you're a gastric bypass patient, the lesson is even more important - it's a long journey, and you can't be perfect all the time. Take heart in the successes you've celebrated so far, and know that there are more to come - at your own pace, and in your own time.

Cheers!

On resolutions...Happy 2011!

Happy 2011, everyone! I love the feeling a new year brings – to borrow from my favourite fictitious character, it’s a fresh, new, year with no mistakes in it yet (thanks, Anne!). But with a new year comes resolutions – and whether they are weight-related, health-related, or resolution-related (yes, I know a lot of you have resolved to stop making resolutions!), January is generally a time when we reassess our situation, vow to make simple changes and try to live healthier lives.

Personally, I mistakenly thought that I was through with resolutions after having gastric bypass and losing the amount of weight I’ve lost so far. I was wrong. For those of you familiar with the surgery, I’ve hit what we call a “stall” – I’ve essentially stopped losing weight while my body adjusts to its new size. Now, you may think that’s a bad thing, but not necessarily. I like that I’ve been in the same clothing size for a couple months now and that I’m not switching out items of my wardrobe quicker than you can say “charge it.” I also like the fact that I’ve been feeling stronger than ever, now that my body has figured out how many calories and nutrients it needs to get through my day. And most importantly, my energy level is awesome, and on my recent annual physical at my doctor’s office, he declared that I am in perfect health – something that has never, ever happened to me in my lifetime. When I told him I planned on getting the last 30 lbs off to reach my goal weight this year, he said I didn’t need to because I couldn’t be in more pristine health (shocker!), even at a lighter weight.

So that leads me to my resolution dilemma. When I signed up for the surgery, I was told it’s a tool, and like any tool, it was only meant to help me do what I wanted to do, not do it for me. The analogy they used in my education class was if you have a hammer and want to build a house, the hammer won’t build it for you, but you can do it yourself, using the hammer. So, too, with gastric bypass. Yes, initially, the weight will fall off by itself (as I found out), generally without too much effort from me (and please don’t read this as easy way out – it was due to very frequent vomiting and the inability to eat large quantities of anything). I also didn’t have to exert myself terribly hard when exercising – just walking and jogging on a fairly consistent basis with some aquafit and light weights thrown in for toning. NOW comes the hard part. To lose the extra 30 lbs or so to reach my goal weight (and for me, I set my own goal weight as one that would put me in the “normal” range on the BMI scale), I’m going to have to make more changes. I will need to exercise more frequently and with more intensity, and I might even need to monitor my caloric intake a bit to ensure I’m burning off more than I’m taking in. For some reason, that scares me a bit. I think it’s because as a formerly obese person, I was so used to failing at this sort of plan over and over again, to face it once again is intimidating.

On top of that, I also have to face the reality that I may never get to my goal weight because it’s just not something my body is willing to do. And I will have to be okay with that. I think part of my new body, lifestyle and belief system is acceptance, and being willing to cherish my success without immediately thinking that I have to do better.

So here I am, a new year and a new resolution – one that I’ve made before, to live a healthier life. But this year, it will be different. I have the tools to help me achieve it, and confidence based on success to see me through. And I think that’s the key. So to all of you who have made some resolutions to live a healthier life in 2011, I’m right there with you. Let’s do this thing!

Sickness after surgery

If I can say anything consistent about being a post-op RNY patient, it's that there's always something new to contend with right around the corner. And since in life, timing is everything, this latest eye-opener came right on the heels of my exciting and reaffirming experience speaking at the Bariatric Conference.

I was looking forward to celebrating my one year surgiversary on December 7th, but the night before I got sick. After a long day at work, I went home and collapsed on the couch with extreme dizziness and a high fever, followed by vomiting. Now for those of you unfamiliar with the gastric bypass procedure, vomiting is a scary prospect. Not only is my stomach much smaller than the norm, thereby limiting my ability to take in an appropriate amount of nourishment to fight off whatever bug is causing it, but replenishing the fluids I've lost through vomiting is a huge issue. I can only take in about a cup of food or liquid at a time, and with rapid loss of fluid, dehydration is a potentially life-threatening risk. In fact, when completing the pre-op education classes necessary to have the surgery, I was warned again and again that if I vomited for more than a day, I needed to get to the clinic to preserve my health. There were stories of other post-op patient deaths that were a direct result of dehydration, and they didn't need to convince me how very important staying hydrated is to an RNY patient. 

So, the next day, off I went to my family doctor to get checked out. I have nothing but praise for my fantastic GP. Despite being new to gastric bypass, he's always well informed and listens to my concerns as they relate to my new lifestyle and eating abilities. He was equally as concerned about my fluid levels with vomiting as I was and he set to work to rule out his main concerns: bacterial meningitis, c-difficile and H1N-strains of the flu. He was able to positively diagnose a viral infection, and he explained to me that rest was my absolute best ally in the fight to get well.

Quite honestly, before surgery, the whole "rest and get well" thing kind of went in one ear and out the other with me, as I'm sure it does with most people. Yes, we get sick, but very often we still go to work, we still keep up with our daily lives, and we don't take enough time to give our bodies a chance to rest. As a result, it can take 2 to 3 times longer to recover from a common illness like a cold or the flu, and we tend to feel miserable (not to mention exhausted) for weeks.  But I'm glad that my doctor explained the difference for RNY patients. Without the stomach capacity or duodenum to adequately digest and absorb nutrients, our bodies' only defense is to rest. When rest can't keep up with illness and dehydration sets in, IV fluids are generally needed. This is no joke. And in the past year, if I've learned anything, it's that my health is paramount and I refuse to take it lightly.

That being said, the first week home was hard for me. Besides being a sitting duck for an infection that was ravaging my systems (I even developed infected gums and cuticles), I found it hard to sit still. Even as a sickie, my post-op energy was getting the best of me. After 6 days, Monday rolled around and I was chomping at the bit to get back to work. Bad idea. On my way out the door to go to work Monday morning, the dizziness and vomiting returned with a vengeance. No work for me, and a trip back to my doctor, who was not pleased that I had tried to rush the process. Now, I'm pretty thick-headed, but I think this one actually got through. Even with my new body, with all of its new abilities, I still can't cheat illness.

My doctor ordered me off work until next Tuesday, and I plan on taking his advice. My only trip out of the house was to Indigo to stock up on must-read new releases, and I'm expecting a visit from my wonderful sister this weekend (who has graciously volunteered to clean my house for the holidays - no doubt to put a stop to my whining about it, lol). I was also thrilled to get a visit from my friend and co-worker Jenn yesterday, who delivered a delicious batch of homemade chicken soup to my door, along with a group get well soon card from my team at work. Needless to say, I feel extremely lucky to have such caring people looking out for me.

So I leave you with this thought. Whether you're post-op patient, a pre-op patient, or just your average Joe, please take care of yourself this season. There's nothing heroic about going to work sick or exhausting yourself when you're feeling terrible. Be gentle with yourself and your body will thank you with good health all year.

My Speech at the Bariatric Education Conference

Today I had a full circle moment. I was lucky enough to speak at the 2nd annual Bariatric Education Conference at the University of Toronto's Faculty Club, and to share my weight loss surgery story with people in the business. It was an amazing feeling to stand in front of health care providers like nurses, dietitians, social-psychiatry staff, surgeons and folks from the Ministry of Health and detail my journey. I also got quite a few requests for my blog address so that it could be shared with patients going through the same thing. I'm humbled and honoured that they would think to share my experiences, and I aim to keep writing about my struggles so that others can benefit :). And so, below, you'll find my speech in its entirety. I want to thank my wonderful friend and surgery-sista, Heather Rosenthal, who also spoke at the conference today. As patient #1 in our program, she's always been and will always be my inspiration.


When I first heard about gastric bypass surgery, I was skeptical. I thought it was a crazy & dangerous procedure reserved for the rich and famous out in Hollywood, not for normal, everyday people like me. What I did know was that after 34 years of trying to control my weight through every way possible, and after failing miserably at it year after year, I was ready to try something new. Little did I know that this procedure, this tool, would change my life in ways I never thought possible.



My surgery date was almost a year ago today, December 7, 2009. The day I went in for surgery, I was 281 lbs on a 5 foot, 1 inch frame. My BMI was a whopping 51.1. I had been suffering from extreme hypertension for 10 years, had severe asthma that limited my activity level, was infertile thanks to polycystic ovarian syndrome, I was exhibiting symptoms of pre-diabetes, and I was exhausted. I couldn’t climb a flight of stairs without feeling faint and needing to sit down. And most importantly, my favourite expression was, “I can’t.” After so many years of being obese, I had gotten used to giving up before even trying so many things because I knew that I physically couldn’t do it. Activities like skiing, running & rock climbing were out of reach for me. I would avoid public places like restaurants in case I couldn’t physically fit in their seats or booths. Then there was the emotional tole. I shied away from social gatherings and any situations at work where I would have to be front and centre. I didn’t want anyone looking at me or scrutinizing me because years of being the target of ridicule over my weight. I have to say, the social stigma and resulting self esteem issues that come from being obese should never be discounted when treating patients.


So, when I went into surgery, I was as hopeful as could be without actually believing that it would work. After failing at something for so long, it was difficult to believe that this tool could really help me. I wasn’t convinced that I would be successful. It was scary at times and definitely difficult. While the physical recovery only took a matter of weeks, the emotional healing after years of using food as a coping mechanism was incredibly difficult. In particular, I credit the counseling and dietary staff at Toronto Western Hospital for helping me through all of the trials and tribulations I faced. They kept me on track with exercise, helped me to learn to eat properly, and guided me through the various stages of vitamin intake to stay nourished throughout the process. They had warned me ahead of time that the emotional and mental effects of this procedure far outweigh the physical ones, and they were right. I feel like I’m well on my way to conquering food issues, but it’s a work in progress that will likely take the rest of my life.


Physically, I still have difficulty recognizing this new woman in the mirror – she’s so different than the one that lives inside my head! One of the most surprising things for me is that it’s a bit of a struggle to shop in regular sized clothing stores – there’s so much available when you’re not in a plus size! I still gravitate towards the extra large clothing on the racks, only to go back for a medium once I realize I’m swimming in them. I’m not sure how long it will take to get used to this new body, but it’s not a task I’ll complain about!


In terms of physical healing, I’m shocked that my once-barely-mobile body has been able to accomplish so much. My energy level, in particular, is amazing. I feel like I can get so much done during a day now, because I’m not exhausted anymore. Exercise is a daily ritual for me, and I can’t believe that I’m enjoying it. That alone – the mind shift required to now think of myself as a person capable of physical activity – is an amazing accomplishment in and of itself.


I think one of the most difficult aspects of this procedure is dealing with the often prevalent public perception that bariatric surgery is a quick fix or the easy way out. It is a frustrating misnomer for those of us who have had the surgery. This journey through gastric bypass surgery has been the most difficult challenge of my life, but also the most rewarding. As a writer, I’ve made the decision to share my journey with the public both through my blog and in the form of a memoir which I hope to have published, but it still never fails to surprise me when people I don’t even know boldly tell me that my weight loss doesn’t count or I could have done the same thing without surgery. I think that everyone in this room has their work cut out for them in convincing the public that obesity is a disease, and it’s a wonderful advance in modern medicine to finally have a treatment that yields the kind of results gastric bypass does. I am a healthier and happier person now, and it’s due to this procedure. I’d highly recommend it to other patients seeking a tool to help them conquer obesity.


As for my personal results, I’m ecstatic. Today, my total weight loss is 120 lbs, only 30 lbs away from my goal weight. I no longer take any medications. I don’t have hypertension, my lung function is normal, and I’m happy to report that the effects of polycystic ovaries have been reversed. I’m excited at the prospect of having my own family in the future! I am active and love to try new things, including running. When I recently had a fitness assessment, I was shocked to find that my fitness level actually fell into the “good” range. I have so much energy, some days I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve dropped 10 sizes in less than a year, and I feel like the world is my oyster. I’ve also gained confidence I never knew I had, and it has truly changed the direction of my life. I credit all of these things to this procedure. This tool was exactly what I needed to finally gain control of my life and to live it to the fullest.


In closing, to those of you in the room who treat and work with bariatric patients, I will say this: you change lives every single day, whether you realize it or not. It is your work that gives obese patients the strength, the knowledge, and the tools they need to finally break free from their personal prisons and live the healthy lives they’ve always wanted. Your compassion, your dedication to helping others and your willingness to keep learning by attending events like this one are exactly what are needed to fight the obesity epidemic, and I applaud your efforts.


Thank you for listening to my story today. It’s not finished yet, but I feel like this happy new beginning I’ve been given will lead me to a happy ending!




My story in pictures...the night before surgery, my princess costume from Halloween, and me on the beach in N.B.



A truly thankful Thanksgiving

As a post-op weight loss surgery patient, nothing strikes fear in my heart more than the prospect of a celebratory meal. So I approached Thanksgiving this year with some trepidation. In years past, before this massive change in my life, I would have approached the meal like any other - it was all about the delectable dishes being served, and about showing how you feel by putting all of your love and concern for family into the dining experience. Given that, I was concerned that major holidays like Thanksgiving would be lost on me, since I can't indulge with seconds (or thirds!) like I used to. And so, as the many counselling sessions I've had pre-and-post-op have taught me, a change in my thinking was in order.

This Thanksgiving marked a lot of firsts for me...and lots to be thankful for. It was my first major holiday with my new boyfriend, and we were invited to share in a meal with his extended family. It was my first major holiday post-op where I was in a position to actually eat solid food. It was my first holiday in a new city, and after starting my new job. And it marked my first Thanksgiving in Ontario that I didn't spend with my sister. In the past, any one of those stresses would have sent me into eating overtime under that guise that I was celebrating while I was really dealing with anxious feelings by stuffing them down with food. So I knew going into it that this year, this glorious year, had to be different.

The day was a wonderful inauguration for me. I spent the afternoon catching up with new friends, sharing stories, holding babies and babying pets (all 5 of them!). The food was plentiful and delicious, but I used my coping mechanisms - small serving sizes, eating slowly and not depriving myself. I had about 2 bites of everything, including a lovely strawberry pie for dessert, and felt so good to finally be in control after all these years. That point, in and of itself, is my most significant reason to be thankful this year.

Now that the first food-centric holiday is under my belt, I think the upcoming Christmas holiday should be a little easier. Although I think it will take some time for my brain and habits to catch up with my body and lifestyle, I know that it's possible to make this life change. And I'm not afraid, just happy to have so many caring people around me who are supporting my efforts. My new reality - that food is not the centre of my world anymore - is going to take some time to adjust to, but I'm up for it. I have to say, this mind shift is the hardest part of weight loss surgery. Thirty-five years of gorging at holiday functions is a tough habit to shed - I might venture to say, even harder to shed than the 115 lbs I've lost so far. In fact, when I signed up for the program, they warned me that the mind issues would be far more difficult than the physical issues. They were right.

And so I close this post on a positive, thankful note. I'm lucky to have had the opportunity to get this surgery, to change my life, to have caring, supportive people around me and to finally have my health in hand. All very good reasons to celebrate indeed.

To Be Or Not To Be

Sometimes, people define themselves by what they're not. For my single girlfriends, it's "I'm not married", "I'm not attached", or "I'm not a mom". Or maybe it's how you define your moral high ground. "I'm not a dishonest person", or "I'm not someone who does that sort of thing". But for me, recently, it's been a labour to find the words to express what I'm not anymore. By the BMI scale, I'm not obese. By association, you might say I'm not the object of ridicule or scorn. I'm not a freak show. Or by other's (albeit, unfair) standards, from the outside I look like I am not out of control, I am not obsessed with food and I am not a hazard to the health care system. But do these things really define me?

But now the more difficult question looms. What am I? Who am I? I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but the farther along on this weight loss journey I go, the less certain I am. I'm finding that defining myself, my likes and dislikes and even my wants and needs is not only tricky, but limiting. Saying I dislike something might close a door leading to further exploration. And saying "I'm not" limits my ability to say "I am". If I'm certain of anything these days, I know that possibilities are endless and embracing new experiences is one of the joys in life. So let this be my cautionary tale. The only "I'm not" you'll hear from me these days is that I'm not going to define myself that way. These days, I prefer to let my actions speak for themselves because they surprise me every day. This week, I am a runner (30 minutes on intervals on the treadmill, thank you!), I am a girl who wears high heels, I am a good friend, I am a writer. And I am excited to see what else I can be in the future.

A Comment On Energy

If anyone out there has ever lost a significant amount of weight, you probably already know this. You end up with energy to spare. As someone who previously had minimal energy and trouble getting through the day, this was a huge surprise to me! Yeah, I had lost some weight in the past...20, 30, 40 lbs at a time..and promptly gained it plus 10 back ;) I never kept it off for more than a few months, and often didn't even notice any extra energy I had - I was too busy "white knuckling" it, hanging on for dear life as I starved myself silly or worked myself to the bone at the gym to force my body into submission. But now, that's all changed.

It started at about one month post-surgery, when I had lost about 30 lbs. I was shocked to find that I had bursts of restlessness (despite the doctor's warnings to take it easy for about 6 weeks), and I had this innate desire to get up and MOVE! I was limited to 15 minutes at a time on my exercycle and a few arm-toning weight exercises, but I was itching to go. After the 6-week embargo on exercise, I was cleared for takeoff and joined the YMCA for aquafit. It was just what I needed - classes with cheerful members, all the dance-beat versions of Britney and Lady Gaga a girl could handle, and a well-toned male instructor with a cute-as-a-button bum in a speedo (Hey! I go to the Metro Y in the gaybourhood, so I'm totally allowed to look, lol!). But as I continued on with my progress, I was very surprised to find that even regular exercise, noontime power walks around the office and walks on the weekend weren't enough. This week, I made the transition from my beloved aquafit classes (that no longer make me short of breath or even a little winded) to straight-up lap swimming. Wow! 30 minutes of intermediate laps and I'm spent, and it feels soooo good.

I think the most surprising thing for me is that I can get through my day and actually feel like doing something after work. For all of you out there who struggle with weight, you know what I mean. If your idea of "relaxing after work" involves collapsing on the couch or having a 3-hour "power nap", your energy is just like mine used to be. Take it from me, there's a whole life waiting to be lived once you move beyond the fatigue. I'm so happy I stumbled across it while on my epic journey!

As for me, it's 7:15 on a Wednesday night, and now that the rain has stopped, my feet are craving a powerwalk around the 'hood. And I'm so thankful for that!