The final frontier

I love how experience can make us wiser. About two years ago, when I was contemplating WLS, I had some pretty strong opinions about what I would and wouldn’t do if I went through with it. I also had pre-conceived notions about who should have the surgery and why. For example, I thought if someone were born thin, gained weight later and couldn’t take it off, they shouldn’t be granted the surgery. In my mind, it should have been reserved for people like me, who had been fat for their whole lives – not former thin people who blew it! I also thought that plastic surgery following massive weight loss was a farce. I figured it was reserved for those vain people who wanted to look like supermodels, and by extension, didn’t deserve WLS in the first place, because it should only be used to cure obesity-related ailments. Wow, was I wrong on all counts. If the past two years have taught me anything, it’s that I should never judge other people for their choices and decisions. Nobody has the right to tell anyone how to live or manage their own lives, and it kind of shocks me a little that I was so naive to think that I had all the answers for everyone else back then. My, how I’ve changed.

I think WLS is a wonderful tool that is going to revolutionize our North American society. It has the potential to cure a lot of obesity-related ailments, extend the lives of millions, and save us countless health care dollars in the process. I don’t think anyone who needs help to lose the minimum amount of weight should be denied the opportunity to use this tool, and I hope we’re moving towards greater access for all.

I’m also hoping that we make some gains in subsequent treatments needed after WLS. For the past 6 months, I’ve been researching, asking questions and visiting more doctors than you can shake a stick at to prepare myself for the final frontier – plastic surgery. This is a huge step for me, considering that I swore up and down that I’d never partake! I figured I’d just be happy to have lost the weight, and that my life would be great without all of my extra (literal) baggage. What I’ve discovered is that the human body doesn’t always work the way we’d like it to. After losing more than 100 lbs, I’m left with a lot of excess skin that is bothersome and painful. It causes some health issues with chaffing and rashes, plus it’s almost impossible to do a lot of high-impact activities without serious discomfort. The jiggling and bouncing of excess flesh is not pleasant! Then, there’s the overall self-esteem issue. I mistakenly thought that losing 100+ lbs would make me look better on the outside. The irony of folks telling me how fantastic I look is not lost on me – because the real result is not quite so pretty. Picture a melting candle. That’s how I look without clothes on. Flesh that used to be filled with perky, pert fat cells now droops and sags. Formerly firm body parts are now squishy soft with little definition. I can grab handfuls of skin from just about anywhere, and pull them away from my frame like taffy.

I’m happy to report that I’ve found a surgeon I trust, and together we were able to convince my provincial health insurance to cover some of the costs of surgery. This is where I think we need some improvement. I’d love to see OHIP (or other provincial insurance) cover the entire costs associated with post-WLS plastics, but we’re just not there yet. There’s still quite a stigma attached to “cosmetic surgery” (as they like to call it) in that it’s assumed that it’s an elective, non-essential, purely-for-looks treatment. Clearly, that’s not the case. At this point, I’m scheduled to have a breast reduction & lift, double brachioplasty (removal of skin from my upper arms) and a full abdominalplasty (also known as a “tummy tuck”). In all, the surgeon will remove up to 15 lbs of excess skin from my body. OHIP will cover the cost of the breast reduction, and by virtue of me already being in the OR they are paying for, a bit of the costs of the other surgeries, but I will be covering a large portion myself. Don’t get me wrong – I knew all along that if I opted to have plastics, I would be responsible for a large portion of the costs, and I’m happy to have the means to do so. But given the health benefits that I will enjoy due to these surgeries, I hope this changes soon. I think the WLS community (and especially our provincial insurance providers) need to recognize a “whole patient” approach and see patients through to the end of their whole journey, not just halfway through.

As I approach my surgery date (in a little over 8 weeks), I’m filled with a little bit of fear and a lot of hope. I’m excited at the prospect of finally shedding my physical fat shell, and nervous at the idea of a 5-6 hour surgery to accomplish it! But given the vast numbers of folks out there who have opted for WLS or who know someone who has, I’m happy to share my experiences here. Wish me luck – I’m rounding the curve and heading for finish line!

No, really - I'm sweet enough!

Ever feel like you’re fighting a losing battle? I do, and it centers on the great sugar debate. As a post-op gastric bypass patient, I’m supposed to limit my sugar intake. Albeit, I’m quite lucky (depending on your perspective) – about half of all RNY gastric bypass patients suffer from “dumping syndrome” (picture a diabetic attack with sweating, heart palpitations, vomiting and diarrhea all at the same time) when they consume too much sugar. I’m part of the 50% who don’t. I occasionally find myself in a dumping situation after (of all things) too much natural sugar from fruit (pineapple is usually the culprit for me!), but complex sugars tend to not affect me (unless in huge quantities, which I can’t fit into my pouch anyway). Ideally, I should consume less than 60 grams a day, but through careful research, my aim after my surgery has been 25 grams a day to stay safe. And wow, is it ever difficult! You’d be so surprised as where those little sugar grams hide – in everything from bread to milk. So it’s not enough to just cut out candy and baked goods (if you hear sobbing, it’s just me) – carefully reading labels, making educated choices and limiting portion size are all keys to success.

Recently, my wonderful garcon-aimee was diagnosed with type-2 diabetes. Scary! In addition to all of the health-risk factors type 2 diabetes leads to, actually getting his sugar levels under control has been a struggle. We haven’t sorted it out yet (sadly, there may be insulin shots in his near future), but our first step has been to cut out as much sugar from his diet as possible. It has me re-examining all of the foods that we eat and all of the cooking methods I’ve been employing over the past year and a half, and I have to say, it’s been eye-opening. I realized that it’s easy to slip back into old habits if you’re not diligent all the time. For example, right after my own surgery, I made the switch to Splenda over real sugar in any baking or cooking I did, and in my coffee too. But I allowed myself to be swayed by all of the bad press Splenda and other sugar substitutes have received (especially aspartame), and though “oh, I only use a little here and there, anyway!” and went back to it. Once that happened, I found myself not being so careful with prepared foods and drinks, often ordering “low sugar” options at my favourite coffee shops instead of “sugar-free” ones. When the diagnosis came, I started checking out the nutritional values on things we both had been consuming, and was shocked to find that the “low sugar” options can sometimes have upwards of 50 grams of sugar per serving!

And of course, I haven’t even delved into the carb / complex carb debate, and how they turn to sugar in your system too…I have a fairly solid background on this issue thanks to my fabulous post-op nutritionist, but I’m happy to be going to the 3-hour education session with the boy at the Diabetic Clint to get a refresher! I think it’s time to go back to the basics – lots of “eat only what comes out of the earth that way” or make it myself with wholesome, real-food ingredients. It’s funny how I am so committed to doing it because it’s for a loved one, but didn’t mind falling off the wagon when it was for me. Oh, I can hear the weight-loss therapist now!

So from here on out, hold the sugar, please! We’re all, apparently, sweet enough ;)

Wise words worth sharing

You are faced with challenges so you’ll know none are bigger than you.

Those are strong words that require a bit of thought. As a writer, I tend to be verbose at times. Grasping to explain the unexplainable, attempting to sort out questions and queries with the written word. Finally, I’ve stumbled upon a statement that needs no further explanation. Ironically enough, I think I’ve pondered this statement for almost a month now. Allowed it to roll around in my brain and off my tongue a few times. Whispered it under my breath in times of trial. Now that I’m sure, I wanted to share it. I hope it provides you the same comfort it has me.

My social experiment - part deux

So when we left off, I had just gone to bed to avoid thinking about my mad lie and false advertising routine on a free dating site. I vowed that I wouldn't look at the inbox until I was able to delete the phony profile the following evening at 8. So off to work I went, trying to put it out of my mind.

Throughout the day, I found my mind wandering...part of me was flattered that men I didn't know found me attractive. The other part of me was angry that looks - and in particular, weight - play such a huge part in acceptance in society. Really, does an extra 120 lbs actually change anything about me besides my outer shell? If I believe in the results of my little social experiment, it apparently does. And if this is true, how unfair is that?! All day, I found myself playing this argument over and over in my mind...I'm the same person, so why am I so much more attractive now? And most importantly, are the successes that I'm enjoying now (mainly, a great personal life, a man I love and who loves me, a great new job, wonderful new friends) only due to the fact that I'm 120 lbs lighter? It really made me think. And then get scared. If I somehow gain back 120 lbs, will it all go away?

Needless to say, Thursday wasn't a very fruitful day at work for me. I teetered between being angry at my findings and scared at the implications of re-gaining weight. Wow, I didn't realize just how much this little experiment would affect me!

At promptly 8 p.m., I logged on and took a gander at the inbox. One hundred and nine emails, total. In 24 hours. Wow. I didn't know if I should be flattered or sad. In the end, I think I leaned more towards disappointed that we still live in a world that is so terribly judgemental towards people of size. I realize that it's probably naive to expect societal norms to change overnight, but I'd sure like to see some improvements. It also made me realize that this isn't a cause that I'm willing to let fall to the wayside just because I'm not labelled "morbidly obese" anymore. I hope this little experiment will make even a few readers notice the fat-biases that exist in our world today. And if you'd like to read some interesting news, legislation battles and stories about this fight to stop the bias, check out the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. Their website regularly inspires me to continue treating people of all shapes and sizes with respect, because if there's anything I've learned over the past 120 lbs, it's that you should never judge someone if you haven't walked a mile in their plus-sized shoes.

As for my phony-baloney profile, it's gone for good. And I have to say that I'm supremely happy that I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man who loved me when I was heavy, and who continues to love me at my current size. I was lucky to find him when I did :) To all my single gal pals, I wish you the best of luck splashing around in the dating pool...I have my fingers crossed that you find your Romeo, too!

My social experiment - part 1

Back in the olden days of Cheri (ok, 16+ months ago, before surgery), I was living it up as a single gal in the city, enjoying all that the dating scene had to offer. While I wasn't a huge meet-them-at-the-grocery-store guru, I did enjoy online dating, and frequented a number of established websites to try them out. Paid sites, 'find your soulmate' sites, free sites, exclusively plus sized sites...you name it, I tried it. As a plus sized girl, I was well aware that the pool of men who preferred plus sized women was shallow, and I was willing to leave no stone unturned in my quest for true love. After months of research (and about 65 dates, by my calculation), I finally settled on using a free site that seemed to have them most members in my area, as well as a constant stream of new folks. I stayed with that site for a little over 2 years, and became very familiar with the community, the members and the protocol for the online dating scene.

So this brings me to my first observation. As a plus sized girl, I did have a steady stream of suitors (from a former NFL player to a vice-president on Bay Street and everything in between). I also had my fair share of rude, out-of-the-blue emails from jerks who just had to comment on how "fat chicks shouldn't be on this site" (yes, that happened quite frequently...I also couldn't get over the "helpful" sort who would send me an email to kindly let me know that if I lost a bunch of weight, I'd be really pretty and men would find me more desirable. Like I hadn't actually noticed that I was carting around an extra 120 lbs!). Overall, I observed that the dating scene could be hard on a heavy gal if she didn't have her self esteem and self worth in check before she posted a profile.

Fast forward to prep-work for the surgery. In my many social-psych and counselling appointments, it was drilled into my head that I would change after the surgery - not just on the outside, but on the inside, too. I would notice that others would treat me differently, but that would be because my own perceptions would be altered, and I would demand to be treated differently - with respect. I have to be honest, I took issue with this concept from the beginning. It was like they were prepping me for personal transformation, but neglecting to acknowledge that society has a tremendous fat-bias that makes life difficult for people of size. No, they said...YOU will change, and you will be treated differently by society because of the way YOU view YOURSELF. I took it with a grain of salt and thought I'd re-visit the issue once I lost the weight.

Fast forward once more to present day. I'm 120 lbs lighter and I do feel like I am treated differently. I acknowledge the fact that I have changed. I'm more confident, have greater self worth and I find a lot more joy in my life now than when I was heavy. But I still think that a lot of that also comes from not being an obese person whom society ridicules and scorns. I wanted to test out this hypothesis both to satisfy my own curiosity and to prove wrong the notion that it's just about my own internal transformation. Hogwash! My hypothesis was that I'm treated differently because of the way I look, and I knew the perfect way to test it. As a long-time member of one particular dating site, I decided to post a dummy post-op profile using a new photo of myself, along with a VERY vague, two-sentence profile description (no small feat for a writer, I might add, lol!) and four measly interests: hiking, walking, reading and writing (man, do I sound boring or what?). As a plus sized girl, I usually got 6-7 emails a week (on average, one a day) from interested suitors. I wanted to see if my average increased based on my new profile. So, I set about posting said profile at around 8 p.m. on a Wednesday night. I used the photo I've posted here, and I chose the option of looking for a "long term" relationship. I also determined that I would only leave my profile up for a couple of hours, and that I would not respond to any correspondence. This was an experiment only - I'm a happily involved woman! What followed was shocking, even to an online dating veteran like myself.

8:15 p.m. Checked my inbox to find 14 emails from potential suitors. Most looked legit and actually typed messages that consisted of more than 3 words, and most were strung together like they had finished high school. Impressive! Only a couple red flags: One marriage proposal from "Latin Lovrrr" and one cheesy pick up line from "Bazzinga!" (The heavens must be crying because they lost an angel...barf!).

8:30 p.m. After sorting through the first 14 emails, I head back to the inbox to find another 22 new ones. Holy moley! As a veteran of the site, I realize that my profile shows that I'm actually online while I'm checking emails, so a lot of men will write with the hopes of using an instant messenger feature to get to know you quicker than email. Thankfully, I had turned that feature off before checking my mail (see, told you I was a veteran!). That still doesn't cut down on the number of emails I get that say "Wanna chat?" 18 in total, along with 2 very complimentary notes ("boy4girl" simply said, "WOW. Beautiful." while "SamIAm" told me I had gorgeous eyes - side note, this experiment was taking on a life of its own and starting to stroke my ego just a bit!).

9:00 p.m. Ok. Finished checking out the 22 emails in time to go back to my inbox to find yet another influx of email. Holy cow. I didn't realize the site had installed a new "So-and-so wants to meet you" feature! There are 8 of these in my inbox, along with 13 more regular emails, although some are second emails from impatient men who had already asked me to chat. So deduct 4 that say "How come you don't wanna chat?"...they don't really count. To be honest, I'm starting to feel like fresh meat at a meat market, and it's not a comforting feeling. I'm getting a little bored with the experiment, since it's already kind of proved that I was right - way more action for a skinny gal than a heavy one. Take that, staff psychiatrist! I log off to focus my attention on Glee :)

11:15 p.m. I decide to check the 'ol inbox one last time before going to bed. Oh my god. Counting the ones I've already opened, there are 87 emails in my inbox. I now understand why the administrator on the site always warns that some people may not even read your email before they delete it. I always thought it was rude, but if I got 87 emails in a few hours, I can see their point. Overwhelming is an understatement. The sad part is, some of the emails sound very genuine, and they seem like stand-up guys. Guys I would give a chance if I were, in fact, in the market (which I'm definitely not). I start to feel guilty for leading them on a wild goose chase. The poor schmucks are just looking for love and I'm the epitome of false advertising. I decide to delete my newly-created account, pronto. I go through the motions, get to the last page, hit delete, and am stop-signed by a giant red message: YOU CANNOT DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 24 HOURS OF CREATING IT. Oh, lordie. I have to leave this thing up until 8 tomorrow night??? I give up and go to bed, feeling like a heel.

Want to know what  happened next? Stay tuned for part 2, coming soon!!

Finally back on track!

Well, it's been a long time coming, but spring is finally here! I don't know about you, but there's something about a new season that is invigorating. In particular, spring is about rebirth and renewal, so it's a perfect time to refocus on my goals and what I need to do to achieve them. In my last post, I was still in a bit of mid-winter slump and determined to take it easy for a while. I'm happy to say that the hibernation is over, and I'm itching to get back into good habits and on with my weight loss goal for the year!

Once I decided to get back on the wagon, so to speak, I went to my bible on weight loss surgery. I found that out of all the books available on the market, Dr. Garth Davis (from the TV show Big Medicine, for those of you familiar with him) has one of the best. It's called "The Expert's Guide to Weight Loss Surgery" and it is, hands down, the most comprehensive guide out there. His section on staying on track for post-op patients is so very helpful! And whether you're a post-op patient or not, you can probably benefit from the advice that he gives for getting back on track with your weight loss goals.

For me, the biggest thing is mindful eating. That is, I really need to think about what I'm putting in my mouth and if I'm eating it because I'm hungry or for some other reason. In the past, this was a real stumbling block for me, because I had difficulty determining if I were actually hungry or eating as an emotional response. Nowadays, it's a lot easier to stop myself from grazing all day (given that I don't have that much room in my stomach), but it's still important to ask the question before I eat: am I hungry, or just [insert emotion here - like bored, mad, upset or stressed]?

The second target I've identified to keep me on track is to drink my water. I know this sounds simple (especially to someone like me who loves water!), but you'd be surprised at how often I forget to continuously sip, sip, sip. In particular, on days when I'm out and about, running errands or visiting friends, I often forget to bring my water bottle with me. This is a big problem because thirst often masks itself as hunger, so I might reach for a snack when all I really need is a drink. Dr. Davis recommends 64 oz of water a day (or 8 glasses, just like they told me on Sesame Street), so I've gone back to tracking my drinks all day just to make sure I get them all in.

Third, and probably the most important goal for me, is to get back on my exercise regime. After taking quite a few weeks off, I'm itching to shake my groove thang! The general rule for bariatric surgery patients is 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, but I prefer to get physical every day. I'm lucky to have gym at my disposal at work, but besides 30 minutes on the treadmill, I also like to move whenever I can, even if it's just walking the dogs or parking extra-far-away from work or the mall.

The last tip I'm going to employ is a tough one for me, I admit it. Dr. Davis' mantra is "I will get support when I am feeling challenged," and that's easier said than done. Part of it is that I'm physically too far away from Toronto now to attend the monthly support group that meets on Wednesday evenings. Given that, I need to rely more on friends and supporters, and sharing a struggle can be a challenge in itself. I am super thankful for my surgery sistas, Heather and Ange, who are always there for a conversation and encouragement when I need it. And I'm also blessed to have my sister and my friend Jenn in my corner because they both go out of their way to ensure my comfort (especially around eating) whenever I'm with them. That being said, I suspect I'll have to find a local group to attend on occasion if I'm going to get the support that I need when I'm feeling challenged. And if that's what it takes to continue being successful, then I'm game. Keep in mind too, for those of you who haven't had surgery, that asking for help is a universal benefit. Remember, there's never any shame in asking for what you need.

Ok, I think that's it for now. I'm excited to be getting back on track with my goals and I'm so looking forward to continuing with and building on the successes that I've had so far. To the rest of you out there who are up to the challenge, best of luck...it's onward and upward from here!

Sometimes, you just need to chill...

Throughout this journey of mine, I've often written about how my mindset has changed. I'm definitely a more positive person (and let's be honest, I'm living a dream come true, so why wouldn't I be?), and I find joy in the simple things like never before. In particular, I've been pretty thrilled with my new physical abilities in the gym and out, plus with my general attitude towards exercise. I can't believe that I've embraced it over this past year, and that it's actually worked in my favour.

So really, I shouldn't be surprised that after fourteen months, I'm actually finding it more and more difficult to get out and exercise. Now, I must say, given the extremely cold and snowy winter we've had so far (today the mercury kissed -35 with the windchill), along with the seasonal darkness and my new duties at work (5 months in, and I routinely work 50+ hours per week), it's little wonder that my interest and energy are waining. But I'm pretty scared at the prospect of not catching the activity bug again, and hating exercise. I don't want that to happen, so I've been taking a rather controversial stance on it. I'm not forcing myself to get there, I'm giving myself a break. At first, when I skipped my workouts for an entire week, I felt supremely guilty. To be honest, I felt a bit like a failure, like I was letting myself down, not to mention all of the people who have supported my journey. But I had a chat with a good friend recently, and it changed my perspective.

This fabulous friend of mine does not exercise on a regular basis. She's one of the healthiest people I know in that she only eats organic food, makes everything from scratch, does not consume sugar or caffeine, and supplements her diet with all-natural herbs, remedies and caffeine-free teas. She also treats herself well, being careful to not use drugs to treat illness (if at all possible), and she makes a point to get enough sleep. Really, I aspire to be like her, because she seems to have it all together from a holistic standpoint. Now, from a physical perspective, she has had some injuries from a  long-ago car accident and finds traditional physical exercise too hard on her body, so besides the occassional aquafit class to get some good stretching in, she does not work out. When I mentioned one evening on our way out the door that I felt SO guilty for not going to the gym to work out, she helped me see the light. She said, "We are in the same position right now, leaving work without exercising. You feel guilty for not exercising, but I feel no guilt whatsoever. It just isn't something I can or want to do, so why make it worse by stressing over it? If you think not exercising isn't healthy, think of how unhealthy it is to create more stress (in the form of guilt) in your life."

Ah, epiphany! She's right. Here I am, over 100 lbs lighter than I was last year, feeling fantastic energy and excitement about life, and allowing myself to feel guilt over something that will most likely pass. Wow, am I nervey! I think (after mulling it over), that I should listen to my friend (and for that matter, the psycho-social staff at the gastric bypass clinic that I attend), and be gentler with myself. Rome wasn't built in a day, and if I'm in this for the long run, a temporary rest from activity until the weather clears or until I find another activity that sparks my interest, isn't the end of the world. In fact, some might argue that it's just the healthy break that I need to recharge my batteries.

My opinion was reinforced earlier this morning when I opened my daily "Note from the Universe" (to those of you unfamiliar, you can sign up for daily emails with great advice for living at http://www.tut.com/ ) only to find another gem. It reminded me that sadness, illness, and despair are less conditions than they are decisions to see yourself as less than you really are. There's nothing stopping me from choosing joy instead. In my case, I was choosing guilt over happiness and acceptance, and now that I see the light, I'll be choosing differently.

So I guess this post is a reminder to everyone that sometimes we can discard those "should do" lists and just be a little easier on ourselves. If you're a gastric bypass patient, the lesson is even more important - it's a long journey, and you can't be perfect all the time. Take heart in the successes you've celebrated so far, and know that there are more to come - at your own pace, and in your own time.

Cheers!