Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Weighing our worth



You know, I'm a bit of a "Pinterest"-a-holic these days. If you haven't requested access yet, and enjoy neat visuals and thought provoking posts about everything from DIY projects to recipes to fashion and social issues, I'd highly recommend it! It's due, in large part, to some of the posts I've been following there that I've been giving weight, obesity and self worth a lot of thought lately. In particular, I've been following the pins of a fat acceptance activist and her views on fat bias and negative self images in society. I thought that I was immune to all of that now, given that I'm considerably lighter, and feeling pretty good about my overall health. Turns out I was wrong. 

It started with my regular digital bathroom scale. I check my weight at least once a week to make sure I'm still on track with maintaining weight loss. That's not to say I haven't experienced mild "rebound" weight gain - in fact, the gastric bypass surgery team had warned me that after the first 2 years, I could expect to regain anywhere from 10-20% of the weight I lost as my body adjusted and settled. They were right, much to my chagrin, and I've been a bit disgruntled with my bathroom scale ever since. Nonetheless, I've come to accept my body's limitations, and the natural set point that I've settled at with the comforting thought that I have the rest of my life to keep moving and caring for my health.

So about a week ago, my bathroom scale started showing a lower weight than what I've been seeing for the past few months. A pound here, a couple there, by the end of the week I was feeling fantastic! I even noticed that I was dressing differently for work - more high heels (instead of ballet flats or sandals), dresses instead of slacks, and red lipstick a few days, because I was feeling frisky. The effect it had on me was pretty remarkable, really, given that I've lost a lot of weight to this point, and by rights, I should feel great EVERY day. I guess I'm not so immune to what that little number says on the scale.

Then, this week, I stepped on the scale and it dropped dramatically...by about 100 lbs, lol. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...Tapeworm? Accidentally misplaced a limb? Nope. Worse. Low battery.*SIGH!* I checked my weight at the pharmacy that evening and confirmed that my hard won "weight loss" was for not.

After my anger and disappointment subsided, I got a chance to really digest how a simple little thing like a number on a scale could influence everything from my mood and wardrobe choices to, really, my self worth. And I was horrified. Really, after everything that I've been through, I'd like to give myself more credit to see myself as a person and not a number, but it looks like I haven't escaped that element of self loathing yet. Oh, so much more to learn!

What's even scarier is that we, as women, pass these unreasonable standards on to girls. It's easy to find evidence of it - how often do you see or read about 10 year old girls on a diet because they think they're "fat"? It's no wonder, they see it everywhere.

I'm not saying I have any answers here. I just want to point it out. We need to stop focusing on the numbers, ladies, and start focusing on our lives - our glorious, healthy, joy-filled and content lives where we are surrounded by loved ones and more than the sum of our parts or the number on a scale. We're exactly what we need to be, when we need to be it. And no number can ever change that.